End of the World, the Rapture, 2012, Whatever

        If this whole 2012 end of the world Mayan calendar thing is true, then ALERT: you are running out of time to complete your bucket list. Don't worry, you're not alone. I'm running out of time too. Some of the things on my list I will definitely be able to do, but some are worrying me. For instance, I don't know if I have the time to travel to Italy, Ireland, Australia, Greece, Egypt, South Africa, Mars, L.A., Las Vegas, any where in Texas or Alabama, or Disneyworld. Yes, that's right, I've never been to Disneyworld...or land. I also still have to meet Oprah and tell Meryl Streep that I want her to play me in my biopic because we all know Meryl Streep is not human and will still be alive when my biopic is made....unless the world ends.
      But for real, the world is allegedly ending tomorrow. And I throw allegedly in there because no one knows for sure and I'm pretty sure it ain't gonna happen. But it still makes me realize all of the things that I haven't done yet. Hopefully, I have the time to do them all, but some of them are going to require some extra time.

I still haven't auditioned for American Idol. And I know I can't sing, I just want to audition just to be able to say. "I auditioned for American Idol."
I've never left the country. I've been to Hawaii. But that's still the US of A.
I still haven't seen the Lincoln movie.
I have not seen Barbra Streisand, Bette Midler, Pink, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Christina Aguilera, or Pitbull in concert. I'm sure there's more, I just can't think of them right now.
I still haven't been to a taping of a sitcom. Any sitcom.
I haven't driven cross country.
I never got to tell Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira that we all share a birthday.
I started to learn how to golf, but I'm not at pro-level yet....or any level.
I still haven't met many of the famous people I want to meet.
I've wanted to travel the world to ride all the great roller coasters. I've only ever traveled to Hershey Park.
I still have never been on a cruise.
I want to go to Atlantis and be like Mary Kate in Ashley in that one Mary Kate and Ashley movie.
I've never been to a Costco. And I hear it's like Sam's Club....but better. I really can't even imagine that.
I still want to fill a Windex bottle with blue gatorade and walk around spraying it in my mouth in public.
I have never tried to go up the down escalator...or vice versa.
I want to be in a movie.
I would love to swim with sharks. Not in one of those cage things. That's lame. Actually just swim with sharks.
I don't think this is even possible but we're on the marine life subject and I've always wondered what it would be like to be a killer whale like Free Willy. Or a lion. Lions live on land, but still.
Be a seat filler at the Oscars. Ya know, before I actually get invited to go to the Oscars and accept all my awards that will come someday.
Go scuba diving.
Learn to surf.
Learn how to play bridge. I used to sort of know...but I've lost a lot of that knowledge because it's been a while.
I would like to be a princess.
Meet the Queen.
Be a Queen.

Ok, this list can go on forever and ever and ever I'm sure of it. But I won't bore you all with my life goals. And in the words of the late great Donna Summer, "Let's dance the last dance."

I'm sure those lyrics have something to do with this post.

Climbing the Wall of Fears

       I tried something new today. I tried rock climbing.
      Well, it wasn't totally new. I tried it once in the 6th grade at Camp St. Andrew. Did I ever mention that I am deathly afraid of heights? Well, I started climbing and I was fine at first because the wall was diagonal until you got to a certain point. Completely vertical. This is when the tears began to flow. I cried and cried the rest of the way up the wall as my camp friends from below kept yelling, "You can do it, Erica!" and "Keep going! You're almost there!" But anyway, I don't really like to talk about that experience.
      And gladly, today went a little better than that day, the summer of the 6th grade. I am writing an article for the college paper on the rock climbing club, which I didn't even know existed. So tonight, I decided to do a Sara Haines type news segment and talk to some rock climbers and just try it myself. Well, I was fine with this idea, until I was walking toward the gym. I kept having flashbacks of the rock wall at camp...the crying, the screaming, the kicking. (It was really only just crying.) I walked in and started chit chatting with my new rock climber friends and they walked me through everything. But he said one thing that scared me. "If you're not like...the ultimate couch potato, you'll be fine." Well, funny, I was watching Married with Children earlier that day and Al came in the house and Peg was sleeping on the couch with chip bags all over her and her arm stretched across her forehead with chocolate bon bons in her hand and Oprah blasting from the television. Well, this was the image of myself that popped into my mind. But I went with it anyway. I figured I can't back out now. It'd be like those people who are in line for a roller coaster and then they chicken out and do that walk of shame back through the line. I feel bad for those people, but I don't want to be one of them.
       I started on the "easy" side of the rock wall. They told me that usually, when they get to the top, they touch, not just the top rock, but the top of the rock wall for ultimate victory pretty much. All I thought was, "Yeah, that'll never happen for me." I walked up the wall and stood there for a second, collected my thoughts and nerves, and there I went. I was doing just dandy until about 3/4th of the way up, when I realized how high up I was. I was not going to cry this time. Instead, I just started shaking. But I kept going. I couldn't believe what I was doing. Straighten my legs, reach for the next rock. Straighten my legs, reach for the next rock. I hit that top rock, the yellow rock. From my new friends down below, I could hear "Touch the top of the wall! You can do it!"And with all my might, I straightened my legs and threw myself up to the top of the wall. It was incredible. I let go and came swinging down and when I hit the ground, my legs just slid and I sat right down.
        I don't know what I was thinking, but I decided to try a step up. Take on the next level of climbing. Well, needless to say, I did not make it up to the top on this one, but at least I tried. I fell once, fell twice, then decided...I'll try again some other times. I never knew I had muscles in my forearms, but THEY WERE KILLING ME.  I can't wait to see how they feel tomorrow.
        Anyway, go out and try something new today. You will feel like a better person, and you may discover things you never knew existed. And sort of overcome your fear of heights....or whatever your fears may be.

My One Piece of Life Advice

    Many people tell me that I do the coolest things. I am never in one spot. I'm always in New York or Atlantic City or Hershey or where ever. I always seem to be having fun, even if I am at work. This always confuses me. Sure, I do cool things.....why don't you? You have one life, live it. Take chances. Don't hold back. I suppose I've learned to live my life to the fullest as some may say. I just have fun. Like Arthur. Why should we take every thing so seriously? Why do we hold back? If you want to do something, do it now. You never know when your time is up....or someone else's.

    I suppose I learned all of this from one incident in my life. I had always wanted to attend the taping of the Oprah's favorite things episode of her talk show. I kept saying, "Oh well, I'll go next year." The next year came, and I would say the same thing. THEN, that awful day came when Oprah announced she was leaving daytime TV and starting her own network. This was possibly the worst news of my life. I would never be able to attend a taping of Oprah's Favorite Things. I would never get a car or old lady sweaters or You've Got Mail in DVD format or a trip to Australia with Oprah and John Travolta. I had put off doing the one thing that was at the top of my bucket list. WHY DID I DO THIS? Why didn't I just do it when I wanted to do it? Why did I hold back? Why have I still not actually met Oprah? (that is irrelevant...sort of. oh well) What is this "waiting" thing? There is no time for waiting in life! (Unless you are waiting in line for the Sky Rush at Hershey Park, that's a different story and it is totally worth it.) If you want to do something, DO IT NOW. Don't put it off. You never know when Oprah may cancel her own show and start her OWN network on a channel in which I don't even get.

Erica's Black Friday Shopping Tips

      Black Friday. It's one of my favorite days of the year. The crazy crowds, the amazing deals, the real start to Christmas. I've become quite the professional Black Friday shopper over the years and I would like to share some of my tips with you.
     First, I'll tell you a little about my Black Friday experience. I start out Thanksgiving night at the The Crossings outlets in Tannersville, which open at midnight. I then work my way back to Dickson City and hit all of those places and any other place I'd like to go to. That is pretty much my day, simplified.
 
    And these are my tips to you, fellow Black Friday shoppers.

1. Train. Start now if you haven't started yet. You basically have to be like the lady in the red jumpsuit in the Target commercials. Nowadays, many stores do not just open at 5AM, they begin their sales at midnight. The biggest thing is tailoring your sleep schedule. I work on this all year round. You must be able to run without sleep for at least 36 hours, unless you are able to sneak a nap in on Thanksgiving day. Make sure your legs are up to the test. It is a lot of walking, running, and standing around. Get on that elliptical. You will need strong arms to push people out of your way, as well. Strong hearing for when the cashier says, "I'm open at 16!" Strong eyes for spotting the perfect deals. And most importantly, a strong mind to make quick decisions and not let anyone get you down. I use the Game Show Network for this type of training. of the brain.

2. On Thanksgiving, it is important to eat turkey early. If you eat turkey too late, it will make you tired during peak shopping hours.

3. Pack leftover turkey to go. Wear a coat with a lot of pockets or bring a large purse (also good tool to push people out of the way). Don't you dare eat the turkey sandwiches yourself. Give them to fellow shoppers in line or in the stores. It will make them tired while you are drinking your coca-cola mixed with red bull. (it tastes like candy!)

4. If you can, go to the stores before Black Friday. For stores like Target or Walmart, map out your must have product path. For clothing stores and such, go to the store and see if there is anything you know you will want that night. You cannot do this too early before Black Friday, as many stores will change their layout and may have new items. Make note of where each thing is and the original price.

5. Always bring friends. The more the merrier. Especially when there are long lines. When I am at the Crossings for example, as soon as we get in the store, one person stands in line while the rest shop. Every 15 minutes, we rotate. Some lines you may be standing in for 2 hours or more.

6. Check out the ads. The ads come out for a reason. To see the ads earlier than Thanksgiving day, head to blackfriday.info. This will make it easy to compare prices at different places and figure out what it is you are setting out to buy that day.

7. Look into VIP Shopper's Clubs. The Crossings has one. I am a member, of course. You will be piling deal on top of deal with these things. They will let you know if the stores open earlier. For instance, some stores may open at 10PM on Thanksgiving night. If you are not a member of the VIP Shoppers' Club, chances are, you won't know that. Also, pay attention to the VIP coupons. They can all be added to the actual Black Friday deals, but watch out. Some are only good from midnight -5AM or 5AM-9AM. Plan accordingly.

8. Dress in layers. It is easier to take off than put on. It gets very cold. Coldest time being 4AM. It is also a good idea to keep a warm pitcher of tea or hot chocolate or coffee (of course, not decaf) in the car.

9. Bring a sick friend with you to infect everyone else. Make sure they don't stand too close to you and you'll be on top of your game while everyone else....won't be.

10. Feet and hand warmers. Go buy em.

11. If you like waffles or not, you will get an intense craving for waffles around 5AM. No time to stop at Perkins, so put some waffles in your pocket.

12. Don't be afraid to push. There are nasty people out there. They will spit on you. They will beat you up. But don't take their crap. Push them, shove them, make them get out of your way and that sweater or big screen TV will be yours. (Don't spit back at them, it may get you taken into custody...or just taken out of the store...opposite effect of what you want)

13. If it's possible, grab a shopping cart. Easy to store things (just keep an eye on it, there are some nasty thieves out there) and perfect for pushing people out of the way.

14. It is important to wear comfortable shoes and clothes with lots of pockets. You never know what you may need on that day. Pack some silly string to distract other shoppers from grabbing YOUR new GPS.

15. Make a list of what you plan to get that night. Many deals for me are spontaneous and I just end up buying a lot of extra stuff, but it is a good idea to have a list of what exactly you are looking for that night. Put it in one of those many pockets you will have.

16. You must have eyes everywhere. People will take things right out of your hand if you are not paying attention.

17. DONT FALL ASLEEP YOU MUST STAY AWAKE. Keep thinking, "Good stuff cheap," like the Ollie's motto, but better stuff than what you may find in an Ollie's.

18. Don't stress yourself out. Everyone seems to make this mistake. If you are having fun, you will have a much better Black Friday experience.

19. Dress like a superstar. I know it can be hard to dress warm and with a lot of pockets AND like a superstar, but dress like one and people will think you are one. They will be distracted by how amazing you look and will feel self conscious about themselves in their pajamas. It will throw them off their game.

20. Finally, remember, you idolize this woman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wer7b29mreA

Inauguration Day 2009

Tuesday, January 20, 2009.
         A good 3 hours of sleep under my belt, I woke up, ready for this day. My dad, my Uncle John, my friend Kyle, and I were ready to head into DC for the Inauguration of the 44th President of the United States. My dad was certainly prepared for the day, as he stuffed all of his pockets with ham sandwiches, trail mix, water bottles, hand and feet warmers -- he was like a walking convenient store. I had so many layers of clothing on, putting them on was extremely difficult. I'd put on a few layers and then realize I forgot one and would have to start all over again. It was going to be a long, cold day. But we never expected what was to come.
       Leaving the Cacioppo's house, we headed to the New Carrollton metro station. The traffic was absolutely ridiculous, but when we finally got off the exit, the line did not look so long. We were confused, but hey, not a long line! So we thought. Once we got to the top of the stairs, the line stretched  a few blocks down, turned around and came back. Close to 3 hours we stood in that line, in the cold, making friends from all over the country.

                                                I call this one "Turning the Corner"

      We got off the metro and the Federal Triangle and when we were waiting to board the escalators along with 19842981298903284 other people, this strong breeze came down and someone yelled, "I feel the winds of change!"

                                                                Federal Triangle

       We got up the escalator and there were people EVERYWHERE. And they were all be herded in one direction. We crossed the street as a line of police officers stood, silent, forming the path. We were no where near the Capitol Building, but we didn't really care. I looked toward the Capitol and just saw a sea of people. To the right, I saw the Washington Monument, surrounded by people. It was truly incredible.

      They gave everyone on the National Mall little American flags, which made for cool pictures. Yet, every time you waved the flag, you whacked the person next to you because we were so crowded in. Just watching the people was enough for me. Everyone had so much clothes on, they couldn't move. I specifically remember this one lady who was sitting on the ground and when she went to stand up, she couldn't. There were a ridiculous amount of porta potties surrounding the Mall. I don't know why I remember this, but I do.

      By the time celebrities like Beyonce and Alicia Keys graced the screens in front of us, I had forgotten about the cold. I saw my girl Hillary Clinton, and Scranton man Joe Biden. When Aretha got up to sing, she had that ridiculous hat on and everyone on the Mall laughed a little. One thing I know they edited out from the TV -- when they showed President Bush on the screen, people actually began to boo. To me, he was still leader of this country and I did not partake in the booing. He was in office only a few months when 9/11 occurred. I don't think he was at all the greatest president, but he was entertaining nonetheless.
      We watched the whole ceremony on screens on the Mall. The video was waaaaaay behind the audio. You would hear President Obama speak, and then like ten seconds later, you would see him saying those words. No one seemed to care, though. We were like one big family. It didn't matter that we didn't know each other. We were sharing this experience.

Obama accepting the Oath of Office

      Though, the worst was yet to come. Leaving the Mall was like a scene in Animal House. There were only two streets that were open that we could exit through, yet no one knew what they were. A crowd of people would walk down one street and we would follow, until they were turn around yelling "GO BACK GO BACK ITS NOT THIS ONE!"During this commotion, President Bush was boarding the helicopter back to Texas and a crowd of people had gathered round singing "Nah nah nah nah hey hey hey goodbye." Another thing they probably would never show on TV.
        We finally found an exit, and what we thought we be a quick way out. We headed down into the L'Enfant Plaza station. We walked downstairs into the little mall where I ran into a crowd of people. This crowd of people was the line to board the train. The ceilings were low. Everyone was dressed for negative 30 degree weather and down there it was 130 degrees. People were stripping left and right.     We moved about 3 bathroom tiles every twenty minutes. Thank God we packed those ham sandwiches. People began to faint and become sick and someone would yell, "Hey! Where's that guy with the peanuts?" And my dad would whip a pack of trail mix down the hall. "Hey! Where's that guy with the water?" Dad would throw a water bottle across the hall.

          People tried to make the situation better by singing. Which was great, but it made it HOTTER....if that was even possible. We got to the end of the hall, thought we were finally out, turned the corner....ANOTHER HALLWAY. CRAZINESS. People began chanting "AIR! AIR! AIR!" And after 3 1/2 hours, down the escalators we went to board the train and head back to Annapolis. And even though that was probably one of the worst experiences of my life, it was still one of the best days of my life. I was a part of history.

Dad, me, Kyle (Uncle John took the photo)

 Check out this video, get a sense of the craziness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lP7QdaYQtKQ

Am I an Anti-Dentite?

I spent some time at the dentist today and while I was in the chair and someone was cleaning my teeth with that awful silver metal thing that makes that screeching noise as it scratches my teeth, quite a lot of thoughts went through my head. Why would anyone want to be a dentist? Or a proctologist? or a foot doctor? Seems silly to me. I want to be on TV. I don't understand why more people don't want to be on TV or make TV but that's cool because that means less competition for me, but still. You know what boggles my mind....when the dentist talks to you when his hands are in your mouth. My orthodontist used to do this often. He would be tightening my braces and ask, "So how are your mom and dad?" and to that I would respond "Goidsak akjsea jsduea" which he somehow understood and continued the conversation. They must teach you a special language in dental school. I was also thinking about how much I just really don't like someone scraping my teeth. And I try to be a positive person....so I started to think of all of the things that could be worse than that, like being eaten by a lion (do lions eat people? oh well), sitting on a cactus, being poked in the eye with a stick several times, being hit by a Mack truck, eating a worm, and the list goes on. In the end, I would not consider myself an anti-dentite, for, I may not like going to the dentist, but I respect his work. For instance, when I ran into the pole in second grade and chipped my two front teeth the day of my school play in which I had a singing part, he fixed me up right away. But I still don't understand why anyone would ever want to be a dentist.

HEY DENTY!

Smiley Potato

A Museum of My Own

My mother often says, "Erica, I can't take this room any more. You are not going anywhere until it's clean." She also often says, "Well, I don't really like mashed potatoes." WHICH IS A SIN in my version of the 7 deadly sins. I don't know about God and his version. But anyway, my mom is always complaining about how "messy" my room is. I try to clean it, I really do. I have just run out of room for stuff. You see, I am the oldest of four girls. I have the smallest room. I chose to commute to college and live at home. And, over 20 years of life, a person collects a lot of crap. I go through it every now and clean and out things...give em to the Salvation Army, throw the garbage away, etc, etc, etc. But it is a never ending cycle. So, I've basically given up trying to fit everything in the dressers and the closet and under the bed. Now, I have things on display. Like a museum. Because, let's face it, I'm going to be super famous one day and everyone will want to see all the crap I have in my room. I have some clothes on my desk, deodorant, lipstick, jewelry, 8409284 television remotes (clickers for you older folk) on the nightstand, a few DVD's on the dresser. It is just lovely. The best part is...I know exactly where everything is. Except for the remote/clicker every now and then. But, then, I try to make it look nicer and I try to re-organize everything. I try to find places to fit all my stuff. Then, my room is no longer a museum, but I DON'T KNOW WHERE ANYTHING IS. I guess I'm just not meant to be an organized person. Oh well, I hear the garage door going up (yes, the nice new ones thanks to me). That must be my mother so time to run upstairs and pretend like I was cleaning my room. Toodles.

Are There TV's in Prison?

     I was watching TV one day (big surprise right there) and this guy was in a jail cell and in his jail cell, he had a television. This moment in time changed my life. I asked my twitter followers if there actually were TV's in prison to which they answered "yes." So now, I'm beginning to think that prison cannot be so bad at all. You don't need money. You don't need to cook. You don't need to clean. You don't have to pick out an outfit every day. And....you can watch television. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to go out and commit some kind of crazy crime to put myself in jail for the rest of my life, but if I ever fall in some kind of terribly awful, horrible, no-way-out-of-it life rut, prison wouldn't be a bad option. I wonder how many channels they get in there. I wonder if you have to share a television with someone else. I wonder if the televisions have DVD players or even VHS players. Or DVRs. Can prisoners record their shows if they know they'll be making license plates or cleaning up the highway during them? I wonder if they let them watch FOX's Prison Break. Well, what does it matter? There's no way prison can be so bad if there's a television in there somewhere. But don't put yourself in jail because of this post....because that would be stupid. There aren't amusement parks in prison. And I feel like you have to go to an amusement park once in a while to really live.

Everyday is a Family Reunion

Every summer, quite a number of my friends always mention that they have to go to family reunions. And every year I think,"Why doesn't my family ever have a reunion?" And then I realized, every day in my house is a family reunion. My family is like the Barones in Everybody Loves Raymond. And my house is like Grand Central Station. The cousins are all here swimming the pool. The aunts and uncles are watching TV or playing cards. The grandparents stop by to tell us everything about everyone and talk about television and give us life advice. I rarely go a day without seeing a member of my extended family. We play giant games of knockout in the driveway. We have family relay races in the pool. We all sit around the TV to watch Notre Dame football. We all yell at the TV while watching Notre Dame football. We sit around talking about the time Nana Nealon mixed up the mashed potatoes and the alfredo sauce on Christmas Eve, and that time Grandpa Iacovazzi pushed the lawn mower all around the yard only to realize he forgot to put the blades down, and that time cousin Sean was talking to the lunch lady in his sleep. This could go on forever. Ray Barone sees his parents and his brother every day and they just waltz right in to his house, just like I just waltz right in to my grandparents houses and eat all their ham and ice cream. (Not together...although...nope never mind, that wouldn't taste good.) And you know what, I enjoy it. All my friends that are forced to go to family reunions obviously don't have the family I do. They can't sit around and talk about how their Grandpa played a guy named Oogie Pringle in a high school play, or how their Aunt Janet gave cousin Alex a birthday card which read "For you graduation..." All families must be dull in comparison to mine. I can't believe we don't have our own TV show yet.

Wake Up the Echoes

     In the wake of football season, I thought I'd share my story about the first time I went to see a Notre Dame football game at the University of Notre Dame.
     It was the kickoff game, Labor Day weekend, 2011. We left on a Thursday morning. It's a ten hour drive from NEPA to South Bend and I think I watched Rudy the whole way. The drive through PA felt like forever, but once we hit Ohio the time flew by and it constantly smelled like popcorn.
    We got into Indiana and before we went to the hotel or anything, we went to TJMaxx. If you ever go out to South Bend or anywhere for that matter, team affiliated clothing is much cheaper in TJMaxx and Marshalls than in the bookstore. After a long day, we headed to our hotel in Mishawaka, unloaded the car, then got back in...ya know...to drive some more. We wanted to see if we could find the campus at night. All I saw were tiny little homes and tumbleweed crossing the street...a complete ghost town. And then....I looked to my right and out of nowhere I spotted Touchdown Jesus. The campus is literally in the middle of nowhere. I was amazed. We drove around a little longer and finally went back to the hotel to sleep.
     Friday was a packed day. We went to the College Football Hall of Fame, where my mom's cousin, Cosmo Iacavazzi, was inducted into several years back. We went to the campus and hit the pep rally and my favorite thing ever, the trumpets under the dome. Notre Dame has such great tradition, really, unlike any other school. If I was super smart, I'd go to school there. We walked through the tunnel where the players run out on game day. We saw the band march and play the fight song. We met this awesome guy in Wal Mart who was an usher at the stadium. We ate. It was great.
      Saturday. Game day. Wake up the echoes. We put on our Notre Dame jerseys and headed to the lobby of the hotel to eat where everyone was dressed in Notre Dame or USF attire. All loaded up on bagels and orange juice, off to campus we went. The atmosphere was incredible. We walked around with a tour guide as she took us to the Grotto where we lit a candle, and under the Golden Dome where she told us the myth of the stairs outside the main building, and to the chapel, where we walked around in amazement at the gorgeous design, and to the library where Touchdown Jesus stands tall. Our tour ended and we headed to the book store, which was MOBBED. My dad got his picture taken with Ara Parseghian and got an idea for a hat when he saw a guy wearing the Golden Dome on his head while my mom, my sisters, and I bought out the whole bookstore. Then it was game time. Time to head over to the stadium. The house that Rockne built. It was like a scene right out of Rudy. I walked in and said "This is the most beautiful sight these eyes have ever seen."
        3:30 game time. ND is playing decently. Brian Kelly's face is beat red. We all know how that story goes. The student section becomes more entertaining than the actual game with their cheers and traditions, all in their matching blue shirts. Sitting there, at the top of the stadium, with Touchdown Jesus in the background, surrounded by my people (fellow crazy Notre Dame fans) was one of the most incredible experiences in the world.
         Then sky began to get dark. They came over the loudspeaker telling us the National Weather Service was tracking some severe weather in the area. Low and behold, just as halftime hit, we hear an announcement. "Will usher 99 please report to the press box." My dad turned right to us and said, "Oh that's probably code for something." Well, next thing you know, all 80,000 people in the stadium were evacuating, heading to the Jordan Center and the wind began to pick up and the sky grew darker. We were directed to the ice hockey rink area, of course. We went from one extreme of 90 degrees all day to the extreme cold on the ice rink. They had large screens set up where we sat for two hours watching the weather and making new friends and exploring the Jordan center.
          When they finally allowed us back in the stadium, we were starved. We went to a stand where they had cheeseburgers for an arm and a leg. Once I took a bite, I understood why it cost an arm and a leg. THERE WAS MASHED POTATOES ON THE CHEESEBURGER. These really were my people.
           We headed back to our seats were we sat on the ponchos my dad always insists on us bringing anywhere. "Hey Dad, i'm going to a concert." "Wanna bring the ponchos?" "Hey Dad I'm going to Hershey Park." "Wanna bring the ponchos?" "Hey Dad, I'm going to the mall." "Wanna bring the ponchos?" So of course, he says, "Aren't you glad we brought the ponchos?" It was a little chillier and still dark, but the crowd did not lose energy....until with two minutes left to go in the game we hear "Will usher 99 please report to the press box." Everyone in the stadium knew what it meant this time and all at once, we let out a huge "OHHHHHH NOT AGAIN." At this point, it was 9:30, pouring rain, super windy, with deathly lightning, and here the six of us are in our bright yellow ponchos,  standing at the gates of the stadium. We had to drive four hours to get to our hotel. We did not figure in the fact that severe weather would prolong the game and booked a hotel in Ohio for Saturday night figuring we'd slice the drive in half. We sadly said our goodbyes to gorgeous Notre Dame and facing death, ran to our car. The storm was moving east...of course, and followed us all the way to our hotel in Ohio, where we checked in around 2AM. But it didn't matter. We made history. First time the stadium was ever evacuated. EVER. And we did it twice....in one day. And my Fighting Irish...lost, but that's ok, I didn't have to watch that awful ending.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBedPq96kr8

My TV Twin: Peggy Bundy

      As you all know, I watch a lot of TV. Probably too much by most people's standards. That is, unless you are Peg Bundy. Recently, I've re-discovered my love for the Bundy family and I have been watching a lot of Married With Children. I've decided that I am Peg Bundy. Peg sits on her couch watching TV all day. She watches the home shopping network, Oprah, the Jeffersons....anything. Exactly like me. And if she is not watching TV and eating Bonbons, she is out shopping. When I am not home watching Everybody Loves Raymond (my favorite show) or QVC or the Game Show Network, I am also out shopping. Shopping and watching TV are the two things I do best. Spending all of Al's money and watching TV are the two things Peggy Bundy does best. I was recently watching one of last episodes from the 11th season. Bud invites this girl, Starla, over and she shows up with a gun and holds the Bundys hostage. Al is holding the remote when Starla shoots it right out of his hand. Peg begins to cry and runs to Al, yet pushes him out of the way and holds her remote like a baby crying. Like Peggy, That explains my love for my television remote. When the fall preview edition of TV Guide magazine comes out, Peg goes nuts. She can't wait to watch all of the new primetime shows.  Her life revolves around her TV schedule, as does mine. Tuesday nights, I cannot leave my couch. Dance Moms AND Sons of Anarchy is on. And I hate watching things later, like on demand. It is convenient, but it's less exciting. Call me crazy. Peg Bundy wouldn't.
      Peg also does not cook. Her family starves as she sits on the couch watching Oprah and eating Bonbons. I don't know what happened to me, but the family cooking gene skipped right over me. I can't even use a microwave properly. I once put hot chocolate in the microwave for 11 1/2 minutes. It blew up by minute 6 and covered my friend's kitchen with extremely hot chocolately liquid. Peg doesn't even attempt any more. Like me. In one episode, Peg is out shopping and Al comes home from work. She leaves him a note saying that their is a hot plate in the oven for him. All excited, Al opens the oven to literally find a hot plate. Nothing on it. Just...a plate in the oven. Classic Peg.
       I hate cleaning. I don't do it. Every now and then, my mother will walk in my room and yell something about how messy it is. I just say, "Ok, Mom yeah whatever." I put my clothes away. But then, some I just have no room for. After 20 years of collecting crap, I have run out of space for it in my room. And no, I don't feel like going through it. Peg Bundy wouldn't, so why should I? Peggy doesn't clean. There is one episode where she hits the couch with a whip and mountains of dust fly off. Like Peggy, cleaning gets in the way of my watching TV. And no, I can't do both. The TV gets my full attention.
       So I guess what I'm getting at here is....give me some big red hair and a box of Bonbons and I am Peg Bundy. I've found my TV character twin.
Can I get a "whoaaa Bundy?"

"There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't do. Number one: cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron, and parent. Number two: exercise."

Who Run the World? GIRLS!

          I know I've been quiet lately, but I haven't really been inspired enough the last few weeks. Well, tonight, after catching the premiere of Political Animals, I have definitely been inspired. Not just inspired to write, but inspired to take over the world. That would actually be scary, I don't think you all would want me to rule the world, but Beyonce says girls run the world and this show definitely goes along those lines. Sigourney Weaver plays a former first lady, Elaine Barrish whose marriage is in shambles and she loses her bid for President and ultimately becomes secretary of state. Sound familiar? Well, this story adds some twists and turns to that of the Clintons and makes for some good television. The best part is that it adds strong female characters to television. It's so unbelievably refreshing. I just read this article from the Baltimore Sun which essentially talks about the girl power of this show and how television kind of makes things possible. It cites VP Joe Biden talking about Will and Grace as a break through for support for gay marriage.  "If not opening minds, TV does at least allow viewers to safely imagine new possibilities and become emotionally engaged in how the new order plays out on screen."     Here I go with how fantastic television is and a lot of people probably disagree, but I don't care. I love it. And hopefully, Political Animals will have an effect on society and help create a path for women, not just in politics, but in every field. Of course, we do need some women to step up to the plate. Maybe I'll run for president someday. Or maybe that's just another scary thought. We'll see how life goes.

Without TV, I Am Nothing

     I was watching the View and the President was on and he was talking about how he doesn't let Sasha and Melia (check those spellings) watch TV during the week. Well, I have no idea what he talked about for the rest of the hour because after he said that I was so confused. What do they do during the week if they can't watch TV?
      When I was younger, my mom worked and I spent the days with my Noni. Her TV does not have an "off" button. We would watch The Price Is Right and Noni would yell at the TV. "HIGHER! HIGHER! Why don't they listen to me?!" And I would then eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich while the noon news came on and Mr. Food showed us his recipe for the day. Then it was time for her "stories" which meant time for my nap. Her TV stayed on the same channel all daayyy. It was always on WYOU. She watched every CBS soap and I would always wake up in time for As The World Turns, but she never knew that. Then at 3:00 Montell came on. She had the TV on the family room, in the kitchen, Grandpa's TV would be blasting in his room. And I can still hear the MASH theme song in the background as she yelled, "IACER! DINNER!" Aaaaand she would yell again, "IACER!! COME ON! IACER! DINNER!" Happy times.
        Once my mom had the twins, she left Moses Taylor Hospital and decided to stay home with us. It was then I realized, she was pretty much the same as Noni. Except, she would watch the Today Show in the morning and whatever Matt Lauer said was the ultimate truth. She watched every news cast even though it was the same thing over and over again. Her TV, too, did have an "off" switch.
        I remember when i first got a TV in my room. It was the greatest thing ever. My dad won the TV in a golf tournament. I could watch Rugrats and Hey Arnold all day. It was magical. My TV, too, did not have an "off" switch.
       Even now, as I'm in college and I go to visit my grandparents, the TV is on. I go to Noni's and we watch WYOU all day. Starting with the Bold and the Beautiful and ending with Judge Judy. I go to my Nana's and CNN or MSNBC is on and then we switch to the local news on WNEP and then we watch Millionaire. I recently showed them that they can catch up with their shows On Demand. They were amazed. It was a life changing experience.
        I woke up the other morning and it was oddly quiet in the house. I didn't hear Al Roker's voice from the TV downstairs saying, "And here's what's happening in your neck of the woods." I couldn't take it. I had a headache from the silence. I went downstairs and my mom was no where to be found. And the TV wasn't on. I thought something terrible had happened. Well, she went for a walk with the neighbor, so nothing bad happened. But it scared me. I've realized that without a television, I am nothing. I would not be the person I am today without my inability and my family's inability to turn off the TV. I remember when I thought I wanted to be a nurse like my mom because I thought it was like ER. Turns out, I actually just want to be a nurse on an exciting TV show like ER, or create an exciting show like ER, or report on an exciting story like the ones on ER. Yepp, I would be nothing without television.

I'm Moving to Sam's Club Part 2

         I know I've already posted about living in Sam's Club,  but Saturday was possibly the best Sam's Club day ever. I walked in and immediately knew it was going to be a good day. Cars was on the TV. So, as my mom shopped around, I tested the couch in front of the TV and watched the end of the movie. After the movie ended, I decided I was hungry. There was a wide array of free samples today. They had everything from water to Jimmy Dean's breakfast sandwiches to salmon to yogurt and muffins and everything under the sun, pretty much. My favorite free sample was definitely the pineapple upside down cake and the lady even put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. So after watching the end of Cars and eating every free sample, I had made my way around the store to discover a nail tutorial station. They actually had a lady there doing nail designs. The best part was that she would do all of your nails...FOR FREE. And she even showed you how to do the funky little designs. Best day ever. The next table I came across was a glasses cleaning station. They had these wipes that supposedly clean your glasses extremely well. I did not have my glasses on today, but if I did, I would've enjoyed that station. After moving from the glasses cleaning station, I saw a table with two ladies sitting behind it that said "FREE HEALTH TEST." Well, it's free why not go for it? I walked over and the ladies looked confused. Why was I at their station? I said, "It's free so why not?" They laughed while I filled out some paperwork. The lady then proceeded to take my blood pressure. It was normal. Then she measured my BMI. She laughed and said, "Well, that's the first 'low' we had to circle today." Then I moved to the next station where they checked your cholesterol. I have to admit, I was a little worried going into this one. I'm Italian, so I eat a lot and high cholesterol sort of runs in the family. But, to my relief, my cholesterol was in the "desired" range. Why was I getting a health test? Why not? I'm in Sam's Club.
         This day just proved to me that not only could I live in Sam's Club, but I would never have to leave. They have doctors, pharmacists, bakers, electronics people, everything, basically. I have an array of movies to choose from at all times plus an array of TV's to watch them on. I have a library of books to read and my pick of couches and chairs to sit on and read them. Every day there is new food to try and giant cups of soda that can last me an entire day. And those old ladies giving out samples are so nice. I could see us becoming great friends, just like I became great friends with the two ladies doing my free health test.

This Post is to Make You All Feel Better About Yourselves

       A few months back, I was very excited to be traveling to Ireland with some cool people from Marywood. We were going to have so much fun together eating potatoes and riding horses and eating potatoes and meeting nice Irish men and eating potatoes. Then, one night my family was all gone out to my sisters' basketball game. My dad was heading out of town so my mother told me I could park in his garage. So I pulled my car up to the door, but the button in my car was not working. So, I got out of the car and used the nifty little keypad thing on the side of the door. All of a sudden, I heard a loud noise. Yes, I forgot to put the car in park. It was smashing through the garage door. I dove into the car and hit the break with my hand and put the car in park. I paused for a few minutes, gathering what just happened and laid in that awkward position in the car. Finally, I backed the car up and put it in its usual spot on the driveway. I went in the house and went into the garage trying to figure out how to fix my very expensive blonde moment. The car did not go all the way through, just majorly dented the door. So I tried to reverse the dents by repeatedly kicking the door. This did not work out so well, as I screwed up the wiring in the door. Yet, I did not know that I screwed up the wiring. So, I tried to open the door. As the door went up, it made this creeky going to fall apart noise and I sat in the garage in the fetal position not knowing whether to laugh or cry so I just did both. I'll tell you, that is a workout. Finally, I knew the family would be home soon so I tried to shut the door again, hoping they wouldn't notice the damage.
       One time, my mom opened her garage door and got in my dad's car and backed out through the door so I knew if I just told her right away she couldn't be too mad. I just had to get it over with, like ripping off a band aid. She walked in the house and all I could blurt out was "Hey mom a deer ran in to the garage door." She did not buy it. At all. "Erica, I know what it looks like when you drive through the garage door. I did it once, remember?" Busted.
      I spent the rest of the night watching the Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Marie drives through Ray and Debra's house on repeat. It made me feel a little better about myself.
     Because I screwed up the wiring, the other garage door did not open like it was supposed to. Now, math isn't really my subject, but if I'm not mistaken, one majorly dented garage door + bad wiring = two new garage doors. Two new garage doors = no trip to Ireland. That's one expensive blonde/Erica moment. I hope you now feel better about yourselves.

Marie Drives Through Ray and Derbra's House:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Mqjucu4qmc

Trifecta of Emotions

I thought in honor the start of the Triple Crown races, I would post something on it. I wrote this essay in high school and got a solid 100 on it, so I guess it was good. Enjoy.

           "And down the stretch they come!" Twenty horses, all competing for one big win. The first leg of the Triple Crown, the Run for the Roses, the Kentucky Derby. It's the fastest and yet the longest two minutes ever. People gathered all around in their big hats, drinking their Mint Juleps, throwing money around like it's nothing, filled with excitement.  Screaming and yelling as two horses break from the crowd. Only one can win. Only one can wear the garland of roses.

            Excitement. That's what horse racing is all about. That's what drags people in.  Since 1919, only eleven horses have been able to snatch the Triple Crown. Three races. Three states. In just five weeks. Five weeks of pure exhilaration, nerves, and intense preparation. These race horses are unlike any other kind of animal. They have fire inside them. They are born to run. They feel the thrill that races through the hearts, just like the thousand of onlookers. They laugh in the face of danger.

            It doesn’t matter what race day it is. It could be Derby day, the Preakness, the Belmont, the Breeder’s Cup, Aqueduct, or Saratoga, thousands of people put up thousands of dollars on the horse they believe will win. The riskier crowd may play a trifecta or superfecta, hoping to win millions.  No matter what amount of money or what kind of bet these people make, there’s one thing that invites them to do so, excitement. Owners and trainers don’t buy breeding shares just because they can. They become wrapped up in the excitement surrounding the horse, surrounding the race. A smart bettor looks for two things - speed and stamina, the inexplicable gift that only few horses obtain. It’s this magical combination that makes it possible for a horse to win the Triple Crown.  Fifteen horses have won both the Derby and the Preakness with their speed but lacked the stamina to win the Belmont, the longest of the three races at twelve furlongs, or a mile and a half. Time and time again, many favored horses have fallen even in the first race. In the 2009 Kentucky Derby, Pioneer of the Nile was the favored horse with odds of four to one. But, with Calvin Borel on his back, Mine that Bird, a horse with odds of thirty to one, zoomed by Pioneer of the Nile on a sloppy track at Churchill Downs to win the Derby by over six lengths, one of the largest margins of victory ever. A myriad of factors play into race day and the performance of the race horse. The different settings, lengths, and climates of the races add to the thrill making anything possible.

            Danger adds excitement to any situation. And elements of danger are present all over horse racing. Sadly, sometimes danger prevails, taking the life of a horse or injuring a jockey. These horses want to win, just like their jockeys. They know how far they can go, yet their will to win can overtake them and their jockey, pushing them to the limit. A horse euthanized after a race, a jockey severely injured. In the 2008 running of the Kentucky Derby, Eight Belles, a filly, ran her heart out, finishing second to Big Brown. She raced so hard that she immediately collapsed after the race and was euthanized for two broken ankles. 1978, Ron Turcotte, a jockey most famous for winning the Triple Crown atop Secretariat in 1973, fell off of his horse, Flag of Leyte Gulf, during the Belmont Stakes, fracturing his spine. He was never able to race again and still today rides in a wheel chair. It’s unfortunate that these things happen, though they don’t happen often. Yet, it’s weird that the possibility of these things adds thrill, like the possibility of being caught when doing something wrong, or the possibility of failing when trying to achieve a goal. It stirs something up inside people. It makes it impossible to turn their eyes away.

            It is with the heart of a champion these horses and jockeys race. Without the ambition and the will to win, a horse could never succeed. There’s a fire in their eyes that burns during each and every race. They are determined, they are excited. They take their nervous energy and throw it into each and every stride. The horse that races with purpose is the horse that is the most exciting to watch. He does not give up, no matter what. That’s what the people yearn to see. People like to see determination and competition.

Five horses competed in the 1973 Belmont Stakes, the “Run for the Carnations,” the final leg of the Triple Crown. Two broke away from the crowd very early on, Sham and Secretariat, who had already snatched the Derby and the Preakness. Sham pushed Secretariat right out of the gate. The two ran at a pace no one thought was possible. Sham began to fade at the six furlong mark, leaving Secretariat to dart ahead quickly. One length.  Three. Three and a half.  Blowing Sham out of the water. “Secretariat is widening now, he is moving like atremendous machine!” Announcer Chic Anderson roared, sending thrills down the viewers’ spines. Secretariat by twelve, fourteen, eighteen, twenty two. He races with the heart of a champion. Twenty six. Twenty eight. The people are wild, in frenzied excitement, yelling, cheering, chanting. Thirty one lengths. A record that no other horse has ever come close to touching. The 1973 Belmont Stakes is one of the most exciting races in history. Secretariat was the definition of an ambitious, determined, and just plain phenomenal horse. Its horses like Secretariat, War Admiral, Seabiscuit, Affirmed, and Bold Ruler that add to the enthusiasm that goes hand in hand with horse racing. That enthusiasm that makes people want to watch.

            The parading of the horses, the singing of “My Old Kentucky Home,” or “Maryland, my Maryland,” the sound of the trumpet, the garland of roses or carnations, the drinks, the food, throwing life savings into the pot of exhilaration, hoping to win millions, the two week long Kentucky Derby Festival, traditions that have been carried on for over a hundred years all construct the hype that is the foundation of thoroughbred horse racing. These are the things that get people excited and enthused and inspired in a way that cannot be explained. Each horse brings a different thing to the table; each jockey capitalizes that horse’s talent. Each audience member pours enthusiasm into the horses’ veins. It’s the trifecta of emotions that brings people from all over the world together in one magical, thrilling sport. Exhilaration, excitement, enthusiasm, that’s what horse racing is all about.

My Life is a Sitcom

      I already know this is going to be more than one post because every day of my life is like a sitcom. I should just write it all down and then become rich and famous. Someday. I'll just start with a few stories right now.
      It was summer time. Last summer, about mid-July, to be exact. I was sitting on my Noni's porch. She was sitting on her rocking chair on the far side. I was in the middle on the swing. We see Grandpa's car pull up. He was just coming home from a long day of golf. He walks up the porch as the dog greets him and sits on the rocking chair on the opposite side of the swing as my Noni. I was there that day because word on the street was that my Noni made pigs in a blanket. It's kind of a big deal. So anyway, Noni decides to announce to Grandpa that she made pigs in a blanket. My Grandpa is old and can't hear too well. The conversation went a little like this:
      "Iacer, I made pigs in a blanket. They're in the kitchen."
      "What?"
      "I made pigs in a blanket. They're in the kitchen."
      "WHAT?"
      "I MADE PIGS IN A BLANKET. THEY'RE IN THE DAMN KITCHEN."
      "You bought the dog a blanket and put yams in the kitchen?"
     Well, I was dying laughing the whole time thinking that someone should be filming this. This needs to be on TV. My life is like Everybody Loves Raymond on crack.
      Just the other day, I was at my Nana's. My Grandpa was so excited that he organized his closet and comes in the kitchen telling me all about it. He probably had his nice dress pants, his painters pants, his golf shirts, his painting shirts, his yard work shirts, his yard work pants, his church outfits, etc. All of this seems normal to me I guess, until I heard him say "I have my window washing shirts in one section." As he said this to me, I nearly died of laughter on the inside. By the way, when I die, that's the way I want to go, laughing.
        I recently drove through the garage door. I know what you're thinking. No I was not "on something." I just had an Erica moment. The door opener in the car wasn't working, so I got out to hit that nifty little button opener thing on the door and forgot to put the car in park and BOOM. Into the door. After this happened, I went and watched the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Marie drives her car through Ray and Debra's house. It was very comforting. And I'm sure that many people have driven through their garage doors seeing as 2 out of 6 in my family have already. So, I would love to comfort people with perhaps an episode of me or my mom driving through the garage door. While I drove through the door, my mom backed out of it in her day. I remember. I was jump roping on the driveway and my mom opened her garage door and got in my dad's car and BOOM. Through the door. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
        There are little things that have happened to me. Silly little things that people say that are just...silly. My grandparents give me a lot of material to work with here. I sat down at my Noni's the other day and she was talking about her neighbor. We'll call her Sally. Sally and my Noni had been friends for years and years and years, until recently. They hadn't talked to each other in six months. Well, I guess Sally stopped by and the conversation between me and my Noni went a little like this:
          "Sally came over last night."
          "Sally? I thought you haven't talked to her in six months?"
          "Yeah, well she got new teeth so she wanted to show me."
          Way too typical old people right there.
          My Uncle Joe is exactly like Les from Hardcore Pawn. He even looks exactly like him. It's a running joke in my family. My Uncle Joe came in to my Noni's once singing "Sexy and I Know It" and asked me who sang that song. So I told him and my Aunt and I proceeded to explain to him what LMFAO stood for. See, F and A are at the top of the list in my Uncle's vocabulary. He told me "I was listening to them this week and I found I got a lot more shit done." Well, then he called every CD or electronics store in town asking them "Do you have LNPKO's Sorry for Party Rocking CD?" like the person on the other end didn't speak English. And he never EVER got the letters of the band right. "Do....you....have...L..K..J...F...E's...Sorry for...Party...Rocking CD?"
           Another running joke in my family is the fact that one of my cousins was recently arrested for stealing shopping carts. My mom and I were sitting on the couch one day watching WNEP and Jon Meyer comes on talking about a man who stole nearly 70 shopping carts. My mom and I were dying laughing. Who the hell would steal shopping carts? and 70 of them? Through the laughter, we heard Jon Meyer say, "Officials arrested Peter Iacavazzi..." We froze completely. The phone rang. The news had spread like wildfire. As much as some of the family is embarrassed and will probably hate me for posting this, I think its hilarious. And when I can make people laugh, I will. The best part of the news package was when Jon Meyer said, "And when the police arrested Iacavazzi, look what they found in his trunk..." and the cops proceeded to pull a stop/do not enter sign out of his truck. I never laughed so hard watching the news before in my life.
          I'm sure I will have many more of these to post in the future. But for now, we'll stick with this. And I credit my Uncle Joe for the name of my new sitcom which you all should watch for : Noni's Porch.


Alleged Shopping Cart Thief Arrested:
http://wnep.com/2012/04/05/alleged-shopping-car-thief-arrested/

Uncle Joe and Les Gold:

Jersey Royalty

      So I was in Jersey over the weekend, Seaside Heights/Tom's River to be exact, and I was walking along the boardwalk when I saw this amazing hat. It was black and in all blinged out letters said "JERSEY ROYALTY." Well, I was in love. The price marked was $30 but I made the guy give it to me for $15. Heaven in a hat. Looking back, I don't know what I was thinking, but I'm glad I purchased it. I have worn it twice since then, besides wearing it immediately after I purchased it.
       I go to a Catholic University in Scranton, PA. I am from PA. Not Jersey, so really, this hat makes no sense. Many of the people at school are from Jersey but most of them are rich artsy fartsy not exactly Snooki type people. Well this hat SCREAMS Snooki-type people. So, when I walked in to Flapjack Fest tonight, I got looks from people you wouldn't believe. Several people who I have never seen before in my life asked me if I was from Jersey. Never fails that every person who asks me is confused when I say no. But their looks said it all. I was a blonde Snooki to them. People are very judgmental. It's just a hat.
        I was walking through the mall and their was a lady sitting on a bench near JCPenney's. She stopped me as I was walking by and asked me what my hat said. I told her, "Jersey Royalty." She said, "Oh, you're from Jersey?" I said, "No." Again with the confused looks. She then proceeded to tell me that she goes to Jersey all the time, Atlantic City, especially. I was telling her that I was going to Atlantic City at the end of the month for Beyonce and it sparked a whole conversation. Just from my hat. She began name EVERY SINGLE casino in Atlantic City and even gave me some advice. "When you start losing on the machines, GET OUT!' I take that to heart.
       Finally, I was in Wal Mart checking out with my friend Lauren. The cashier was already giving me weird looks because of my hat. Again, I'm a blonde Snooki apparently. I went to pay her and fished out about 15 ones, saying, "I'm the queen of one dollar bills." My friend, Lauren, then jokingly called me a stripper. The look on the cashier's face said it all. She honestly thought that is what I did for a living. I believe that if I did not have that hat on, her mind probably wouldn't have even gone there. She would've laughed like Lauren and I did. But noooooo. I'm a stripper because of my Jersey Royalty hat. And then, I started complaining to Lauren about how a guy only left me a $3 dollar tip the other day. The cashier had a look on her face like she just crapped her pants. Lauren noticed this and added in that I was a waitress at a country club and the cashier looked relieved and then started up a whole conversation about how tough a job waitressing is. In the end, my Jersey Royalty hat created my stripper image for that woman.
        I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess it's to tell you not to judge a book by it's cover. Or a girl by her hat.

Straight Up Now Tell Me

It's ironic that for a whole month I had nothing to say but now all of a sudden I can think of quite a few things. I'll start off with this thought. I can really relate to Paula Abdul. People are always accusing her of being drunk or on drugs. No....that's just the way she is. More times than not, people have asked me if I am drunk or "on something." I get that one a lot. No...I am not. That's the just the way I am, apparently. My mind is very random. I can go from one subject to something completely off the wall in seconds. I talk about my dreams and goals in life, which, like my mind, are all very random and then people ask me, my boss included, "Are you on something?" NO I'M JUST LIKE PAULA ABDUL. I don't say that because chances are, these same people that think I am "on something" are the people who accuse her of being "on something." Maybe I just belong in a mental hospital. Ehh, probably not. But, I've always wanted to go in one and see what's in like. In fact, that's one of my life goals. Whatever. Maybe I'm not "normal." But what is normal, really? I like to see myself as the kind of person who knows how to live life. Who else can say they crashed a wedding with an entire 7th grade AAU basketball team? So maybe crazy is the way to go. Paula Abdul seems to be living a pretty decent life. She's super rich and can still dance. I only hope I can be like that when I'm 49 years old. Straight up I'll tell you, I am not on drugs...unless my knee is bothering me, then I've probably taken some ibuprofen.

I'm Speechless. I Am Without Speech.

Hello. I know I haven't updated in a while, but I've been kind of at a loss for words. I'm still at a loss for words so this post will probably be short and random. And yes, the title of this post is a line from Seinfeld.  The way the Seinfeld series ended was the most genius way to end a show ever. They brought everyone back from the bread lady to past girlfriends, to the Pakistani restaurant owner, the soup Nazi, and even the fact that the judge's last name is Vandelay. Genius. I would love to be part of a sitcom. I could probably write a sitcom myself with the amount of material my family gives me. I could go on for days about that. Just the fact that a family member of mine was recently arrested for stealing 70 shopping carts is good enough. It gives you a taste of the craziness that goes on in my life. My advisor at school today told me that I am crazy myself. I believe it. I know it, I should say. But life isn't fun if you're not a little crazy right? That's my cousin Nancy's motto anyway.

The Jokeman

If you've ever been on South Street in Philadelphia, chances are, you have come across the infamous "joke man." For the very first time in my life, I did. Just this past Thursday actually. I went to see OAR in concert and got there a tad bit early so I could get up front (which I did, of course) and as I was standing in line, I saw this big guy in all black heading toward the line. All of a sudden every one said, "Oh man, here's the joke man. Don't make eye contact." Well, of course I did. I like jokes. So on over he strolls telling me some pretty dirty one liners before he hit the closing joke of his act, "What's the best nation?" I didn't know. Ireland? (Happy St. Paddy's Day, by the way) "A donation." Well, I gave him some spare change and he went on his merry way. But I thought long and hard about this guy. Where did he come from? Why is he so infamous? How did he get in to the comedy business? I want to be in that business. Tell jokes for a living. But this guy does one act and makes a dollar. That scares me a little. It probably takes a lot of what this guy is doing to become like Ellen Degeneres. Actually, probably not at all, I doubt Ellen started out wearing all black and walking around South Street telling cheesy dirty jokes to people that made eye contact with her. Whatever, I'll give it a shot. If that doesn't work out, maybe I'll where all blue and walk down Market Street. Saturday Night Live, here I come.

My Flight Journal

I have a lot of thoughts. And so does Ellen Degeneres. I was reading one of Ellen's books while I was away on vacation. In one chapter, she was explaining how she absolutely terrified of flying and on one flight, decided she would keep an in-flight journal to monitor her thoughts on an airplane. I am not terrified of flying; I actually don't mind it...most of the time. So, I decided to keep an in-flight journal on my way home. And what a way home it was. Here is my journal from a flight from Fort Lauderdale to Avoca, PA.

There is waaaay too much pressure to get your bag in the overhead bin smoothly. Of course, I get to my seat and the overhead bin is nearly filled. I try to jam my bag up there but it does not work. At all. I am getting those "move faster i hate you right now" looks from people. Also, pausing to write this does not help. I finally get my  bag in the bin on the opposite side with much force. I have a quick connection in between so no time to run around getting my bag from somewhere behind me. Everyone on this plane hates me.
The only bad thing about the kindle is that you can't read it during take off or landing. Which I don't understand. Cell phone, I get. Messes with the transmissions or whatever. Kindle? All I want to do is read.
Long legs are a curse flying coach on a 737.
I love the Sky Mall magazine. It's my favorite part of flying. I want that secret spy pen. That would be sweet. I would feel like....well, like a secret spy.
The career survey I took in high school told me I should be a flight attendant. I could totally do that job. Maybe I should. College is blaaah sometimes. Although, it doesn't seem to be anything like Pan Am, so maybe I'll just stay at Marywood.
Whoaaaaa hitting some bumpy conditions. Turbulenceeeee. I hope me playing the numbers from LOST in the powerball recently does not impact this flight. 4 8 15 16 23 42. Although, if Sawyer is on this plane, I don't care if I'm stranded.
I don't see Sawyer anywhere. Maybe he's in first class. Fancy schmancy.
I love when they come around with the beverage cart. Especially when I'm not sitting in the aisle seat.
I cannot sleep on a plane. It is a challenge for me. I even have this nice neck pillow thing. Maybe I'll recline my seat.
Aaaaaand recline is about the same as upright.
Not for the guy in front of me though. I could probably do dental work on him.
Oh that's right, Ellen did that on a plane once. Guy had a nasty molar, needed to come out.
What's the difference if I'm in recline when we land? Like, an entire inch back is going to kill me. If we crash, I will die because my seat is reclined. That's ridiculous. I still can't sleep.
Ooooo a menu I wonder what kind of  food I can order. Snacks. A fruit and cheese platter? I'm a little worried about that. Egg and turkey bacon sandwich. I am even more worried about that. Ooo yogurt parfait. A buffalo chicken wrap? I'm not so sure I would order meat or eggs on a plane. I don't know why. I guess I just don't trust high altitudes. And why is there grill marks on these pictures? I highly doubt there is an open flame grill on the plane. Maybe it's in the cockpit. They also have a southwest chicken salad. Probably like a piece of lettuce and a piece of chicken with grill marks on it. And then dressing packets, which you will open and dressing will fly everywhere, like your neighbor's lap. Maybe that's just my experience.
Oh, I have to put my seat in the upright position for landing.
And turn off my Kindle. My book was just getting good. If only I could read it while we're landing, I would be more satisfied.
Landed. Why is it taking so long to open the door? I do not have much time and I hate the Philly airport.
Gotta go all the way to F? What the F is this?
Shuttle bus, hello.
F13. That's not a good sign. I hope 13 combined with the numbers from LOST does not kill me tonight. I just want to get home and sleep in my own bed.
On the plane.
There's pretty much no one on this plane.
Talking to a nice kid named Matt. He's coming from Fort Meyers. I like finding out where everyone's coming from. There are so many people and places in this world. I can't think about it any more, my head hurts.
If this isn't a bumpy ride, I don't know what is. I have never felt sick on a plane. I do not like this.
Landing, oh thank God.
Whoaaa I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. It is very windy.
I cannot see the ground. I'm a little worried.
Oh wait, lights!
Oh no. Fog or clouds, I can't tell. I can't see the ground.
We are not landing?! What is this? This is not happening.
aaand we're turning around.
My Noni has told me about this before. I didn't think it would ever happen to me.
What am I supposed to do now?
No one else on this plane is too happy.
All the waaay back to Philly. jalkjfsaskjdfaeuisjdfkasd
Well, it's not very windy here.
Hey, the lady never came around with the beverage cart. Do they not do that on flights after 10PM?
Ok, getting off the plane. Now what? I don't exactly feel like sleeping in the airport.
Ohhh two other flights turned around. Don't they communicate? "Hey, we had to turn around, don't fly to Avoca." Very simple.
aaand i have to sleep in the airport.
1:20PM tomorrow for the next flight? I don't think so.
You can't even sleep on these benches, there are arm rests in the way.
I realize now that this is an off-flight journal.  But this has never happened to me before.
Maybe my mom will come get me. She probably wouldn't like the idea of me sleeping in an airport with a bunch of strangers.
Or she will tell me to sleep in the airport. Okay.
I like bonding with my fellow stranded flight mates. Maybe we could all get a ride back home.
I have a laptop, I have become the goddess of the group. Looking for rental car services.
Why is no one open?! It's only midnight. I wonder how much a cab would cost.
aaaand I'm calling a limo service.
Their drivers are all tied up at the moment....on a Thursday....at midnight....this seems odd.
Another limo service. As soon as I told the guy where I wanted to go there was a long pause. And then he hung up. I am not joking when I say I want to go to Scranton.
ha my cousin, Lindsay is on the phone with a cab service. Apparently, they don't believe her either.
AH HERTZ. My new favorite rental car place.
I am renting a car with a bunch of people I met ten minutes ago. This seems odd.
Oh well, get me home.
This walk through the airport is rough. Just what I want to do at 2AM. Exercise. It's hard to write and walk too.
Got my rental car woooo.
Aaaand we are going the wrong way. Hello Jersey.
Aaaand now we are going the right way and there is an accident on I-76 West.
Does not look good.
This is the story of my life.
I'm enjoying how I am talking to the people in this car like I've known them for years.
We are best friends.
Why do these things happen to me?
What is my life?
I would keep a flight journal when this happens. It is much longer than I thought it was going to be.
I'm home....or well, at my Noni's. She's awake. Ready for church. Guess I should go to bed. Good night....or morning.

The Winners of the World

I was in Wal Mart late one night with my Aunt. It was after 11, when Wal Mart turns into Mexico where no one speaks English and everyone's trying to sell you drugs. Why was I there? I have no idea, but I was. I was standing in the checkout line, minding my own business. There was a lady in the line diagonal to me with this ridiculous hat on. I did not question it, seeing as it was after 11 and anything is possible after 11PM in a Wal Mart.  The hat was the least of the ridiculousness of that night.
So, there I am, watching the cashier scan my items when I noticed the cashier checking out the lady with the ridiculous hat acting funny. She was pointing to ridiculous hat lady (RHL)'s forehead and saying something. So, being the nosy person I am, I shimmied closer to hear what was going on.
"Ma'am, you have something running down your forehead."
"No, no, no." RHL said in her weird Indian/Jamaican/Spanish accent. She was waving her hands frantically.
"Ma'am, it looks like your bleeding."
"NO NO NO no speak English." The cashier pointed to RHL's forehead and said it again, "Ma'am, you have something running down your forehead!" The cashier called a security guard over and at this point, RHL had gathered an audience. If you had walked in Wal Mart, you would've thought there was a street performer at Register 14 with all the people crowded around it in a circle.
You could tell all RHL wanted to do was pay for her flashlight and leave. She did not have time for this security stuff.
The security guy came over and asked the woman to remove her hat. RHL held on to her hat for dear life and pulled it down over her face.
"Ma'am, you're going to have to remove your hat."
RHL lady frantically shook her head shouting, "NO NO NO NO NO"
The security guy took her arms and she resisted at first, but then lowered them. He removed her ridiculous hat to reveal a roast. Yes, like...meat. The blood from the roast was dripping down her forehead.
Why am I always present when things like this happen?
You can't make this stuff up.
Why was she buying a flash light? Why wouldn't she just stuff that in her hat too?
This is what happens in Wal Mart after 11.
These are the winners of the world.

Live from New York, It's Saturdaaay Niiightt!

My ultimate goal in life is to be on Saturday Night Live. I enjoy making people laugh, even if it is at my own expense. I realized that in second grade. I had a nice singing solo in the school play, but on that day, at recess, I literally ran into a pole and chipped my two front teeth. When I went to the nurse, she said, “So, you tripped and fell into the pole,” like she didn’t believe someone would actually run into a pole and chip, not one, but TWO teeth on the day of the school play. I knew when I didn’t feel embarrassed and rather got a laugh out of this situation that I could be cut out for a life in comedy.

I was inspired to post this after watching Betty White's Birthday Bash on NBC. She is one of the great comediennes of our time and I greatly respect her. Happy 90th Birthday, Betty White.