It was summer time. Last summer, about mid-July, to be exact. I was sitting on my Noni's porch. She was sitting on her rocking chair on the far side. I was in the middle on the swing. We see Grandpa's car pull up. He was just coming home from a long day of golf. He walks up the porch as the dog greets him and sits on the rocking chair on the opposite side of the swing as my Noni. I was there that day because word on the street was that my Noni made pigs in a blanket. It's kind of a big deal. So anyway, Noni decides to announce to Grandpa that she made pigs in a blanket. My Grandpa is old and can't hear too well. The conversation went a little like this:
"Iacer, I made pigs in a blanket. They're in the kitchen."
"What?"
"I made pigs in a blanket. They're in the kitchen."
"WHAT?"
"I MADE PIGS IN A BLANKET. THEY'RE IN THE DAMN KITCHEN."
"You bought the dog a blanket and put yams in the kitchen?"
Well, I was dying laughing the whole time thinking that someone should be filming this. This needs to be on TV. My life is like Everybody Loves Raymond on crack.
Just the other day, I was at my Nana's. My Grandpa was so excited that he organized his closet and comes in the kitchen telling me all about it. He probably had his nice dress pants, his painters pants, his golf shirts, his painting shirts, his yard work shirts, his yard work pants, his church outfits, etc. All of this seems normal to me I guess, until I heard him say "I have my window washing shirts in one section." As he said this to me, I nearly died of laughter on the inside. By the way, when I die, that's the way I want to go, laughing.
I recently drove through the garage door. I know what you're thinking. No I was not "on something." I just had an Erica moment. The door opener in the car wasn't working, so I got out to hit that nifty little button opener thing on the door and forgot to put the car in park and BOOM. Into the door. After this happened, I went and watched the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Marie drives her car through Ray and Debra's house. It was very comforting. And I'm sure that many people have driven through their garage doors seeing as 2 out of 6 in my family have already. So, I would love to comfort people with perhaps an episode of me or my mom driving through the garage door. While I drove through the door, my mom backed out of it in her day. I remember. I was jump roping on the driveway and my mom opened her garage door and got in my dad's car and BOOM. Through the door. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
There are little things that have happened to me. Silly little things that people say that are just...silly. My grandparents give me a lot of material to work with here. I sat down at my Noni's the other day and she was talking about her neighbor. We'll call her Sally. Sally and my Noni had been friends for years and years and years, until recently. They hadn't talked to each other in six months. Well, I guess Sally stopped by and the conversation between me and my Noni went a little like this:
"Sally came over last night."
"Sally? I thought you haven't talked to her in six months?"
"Yeah, well she got new teeth so she wanted to show me."
Way too typical old people right there.
My Uncle Joe is exactly like Les from Hardcore Pawn. He even looks exactly like him. It's a running joke in my family. My Uncle Joe came in to my Noni's once singing "Sexy and I Know It" and asked me who sang that song. So I told him and my Aunt and I proceeded to explain to him what LMFAO stood for. See, F and A are at the top of the list in my Uncle's vocabulary. He told me "I was listening to them this week and I found I got a lot more shit done." Well, then he called every CD or electronics store in town asking them "Do you have LNPKO's Sorry for Party Rocking CD?" like the person on the other end didn't speak English. And he never EVER got the letters of the band right. "Do....you....have...L..K..J...F...E's...Sorry for...Party...Rocking CD?"
Another running joke in my family is the fact that one of my cousins was recently arrested for stealing shopping carts. My mom and I were sitting on the couch one day watching WNEP and Jon Meyer comes on talking about a man who stole nearly 70 shopping carts. My mom and I were dying laughing. Who the hell would steal shopping carts? and 70 of them? Through the laughter, we heard Jon Meyer say, "Officials arrested Peter Iacavazzi..." We froze completely. The phone rang. The news had spread like wildfire. As much as some of the family is embarrassed and will probably hate me for posting this, I think its hilarious. And when I can make people laugh, I will. The best part of the news package was when Jon Meyer said, "And when the police arrested Iacavazzi, look what they found in his trunk..." and the cops proceeded to pull a stop/do not enter sign out of his truck. I never laughed so hard watching the news before in my life.
I'm sure I will have many more of these to post in the future. But for now, we'll stick with this. And I credit my Uncle Joe for the name of my new sitcom which you all should watch for : Noni's Porch.
Alleged Shopping Cart Thief Arrested:
http://wnep.com/2012/04/05/alleged-shopping-car-thief-arrested/
Uncle Joe and Les Gold:
No comments:
Post a Comment