Without TV, I Am Nothing

     I was watching the View and the President was on and he was talking about how he doesn't let Sasha and Melia (check those spellings) watch TV during the week. Well, I have no idea what he talked about for the rest of the hour because after he said that I was so confused. What do they do during the week if they can't watch TV?
      When I was younger, my mom worked and I spent the days with my Noni. Her TV does not have an "off" button. We would watch The Price Is Right and Noni would yell at the TV. "HIGHER! HIGHER! Why don't they listen to me?!" And I would then eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich while the noon news came on and Mr. Food showed us his recipe for the day. Then it was time for her "stories" which meant time for my nap. Her TV stayed on the same channel all daayyy. It was always on WYOU. She watched every CBS soap and I would always wake up in time for As The World Turns, but she never knew that. Then at 3:00 Montell came on. She had the TV on the family room, in the kitchen, Grandpa's TV would be blasting in his room. And I can still hear the MASH theme song in the background as she yelled, "IACER! DINNER!" Aaaaand she would yell again, "IACER!! COME ON! IACER! DINNER!" Happy times.
        Once my mom had the twins, she left Moses Taylor Hospital and decided to stay home with us. It was then I realized, she was pretty much the same as Noni. Except, she would watch the Today Show in the morning and whatever Matt Lauer said was the ultimate truth. She watched every news cast even though it was the same thing over and over again. Her TV, too, did have an "off" switch.
        I remember when i first got a TV in my room. It was the greatest thing ever. My dad won the TV in a golf tournament. I could watch Rugrats and Hey Arnold all day. It was magical. My TV, too, did not have an "off" switch.
       Even now, as I'm in college and I go to visit my grandparents, the TV is on. I go to Noni's and we watch WYOU all day. Starting with the Bold and the Beautiful and ending with Judge Judy. I go to my Nana's and CNN or MSNBC is on and then we switch to the local news on WNEP and then we watch Millionaire. I recently showed them that they can catch up with their shows On Demand. They were amazed. It was a life changing experience.
        I woke up the other morning and it was oddly quiet in the house. I didn't hear Al Roker's voice from the TV downstairs saying, "And here's what's happening in your neck of the woods." I couldn't take it. I had a headache from the silence. I went downstairs and my mom was no where to be found. And the TV wasn't on. I thought something terrible had happened. Well, she went for a walk with the neighbor, so nothing bad happened. But it scared me. I've realized that without a television, I am nothing. I would not be the person I am today without my inability and my family's inability to turn off the TV. I remember when I thought I wanted to be a nurse like my mom because I thought it was like ER. Turns out, I actually just want to be a nurse on an exciting TV show like ER, or create an exciting show like ER, or report on an exciting story like the ones on ER. Yepp, I would be nothing without television.

I'm Moving to Sam's Club Part 2

         I know I've already posted about living in Sam's Club,  but Saturday was possibly the best Sam's Club day ever. I walked in and immediately knew it was going to be a good day. Cars was on the TV. So, as my mom shopped around, I tested the couch in front of the TV and watched the end of the movie. After the movie ended, I decided I was hungry. There was a wide array of free samples today. They had everything from water to Jimmy Dean's breakfast sandwiches to salmon to yogurt and muffins and everything under the sun, pretty much. My favorite free sample was definitely the pineapple upside down cake and the lady even put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. So after watching the end of Cars and eating every free sample, I had made my way around the store to discover a nail tutorial station. They actually had a lady there doing nail designs. The best part was that she would do all of your nails...FOR FREE. And she even showed you how to do the funky little designs. Best day ever. The next table I came across was a glasses cleaning station. They had these wipes that supposedly clean your glasses extremely well. I did not have my glasses on today, but if I did, I would've enjoyed that station. After moving from the glasses cleaning station, I saw a table with two ladies sitting behind it that said "FREE HEALTH TEST." Well, it's free why not go for it? I walked over and the ladies looked confused. Why was I at their station? I said, "It's free so why not?" They laughed while I filled out some paperwork. The lady then proceeded to take my blood pressure. It was normal. Then she measured my BMI. She laughed and said, "Well, that's the first 'low' we had to circle today." Then I moved to the next station where they checked your cholesterol. I have to admit, I was a little worried going into this one. I'm Italian, so I eat a lot and high cholesterol sort of runs in the family. But, to my relief, my cholesterol was in the "desired" range. Why was I getting a health test? Why not? I'm in Sam's Club.
         This day just proved to me that not only could I live in Sam's Club, but I would never have to leave. They have doctors, pharmacists, bakers, electronics people, everything, basically. I have an array of movies to choose from at all times plus an array of TV's to watch them on. I have a library of books to read and my pick of couches and chairs to sit on and read them. Every day there is new food to try and giant cups of soda that can last me an entire day. And those old ladies giving out samples are so nice. I could see us becoming great friends, just like I became great friends with the two ladies doing my free health test.

This Post is to Make You All Feel Better About Yourselves

       A few months back, I was very excited to be traveling to Ireland with some cool people from Marywood. We were going to have so much fun together eating potatoes and riding horses and eating potatoes and meeting nice Irish men and eating potatoes. Then, one night my family was all gone out to my sisters' basketball game. My dad was heading out of town so my mother told me I could park in his garage. So I pulled my car up to the door, but the button in my car was not working. So, I got out of the car and used the nifty little keypad thing on the side of the door. All of a sudden, I heard a loud noise. Yes, I forgot to put the car in park. It was smashing through the garage door. I dove into the car and hit the break with my hand and put the car in park. I paused for a few minutes, gathering what just happened and laid in that awkward position in the car. Finally, I backed the car up and put it in its usual spot on the driveway. I went in the house and went into the garage trying to figure out how to fix my very expensive blonde moment. The car did not go all the way through, just majorly dented the door. So I tried to reverse the dents by repeatedly kicking the door. This did not work out so well, as I screwed up the wiring in the door. Yet, I did not know that I screwed up the wiring. So, I tried to open the door. As the door went up, it made this creeky going to fall apart noise and I sat in the garage in the fetal position not knowing whether to laugh or cry so I just did both. I'll tell you, that is a workout. Finally, I knew the family would be home soon so I tried to shut the door again, hoping they wouldn't notice the damage.
       One time, my mom opened her garage door and got in my dad's car and backed out through the door so I knew if I just told her right away she couldn't be too mad. I just had to get it over with, like ripping off a band aid. She walked in the house and all I could blurt out was "Hey mom a deer ran in to the garage door." She did not buy it. At all. "Erica, I know what it looks like when you drive through the garage door. I did it once, remember?" Busted.
      I spent the rest of the night watching the Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Marie drives through Ray and Debra's house on repeat. It made me feel a little better about myself.
     Because I screwed up the wiring, the other garage door did not open like it was supposed to. Now, math isn't really my subject, but if I'm not mistaken, one majorly dented garage door + bad wiring = two new garage doors. Two new garage doors = no trip to Ireland. That's one expensive blonde/Erica moment. I hope you now feel better about yourselves.

Marie Drives Through Ray and Derbra's House:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Mqjucu4qmc

Trifecta of Emotions

I thought in honor the start of the Triple Crown races, I would post something on it. I wrote this essay in high school and got a solid 100 on it, so I guess it was good. Enjoy.

           "And down the stretch they come!" Twenty horses, all competing for one big win. The first leg of the Triple Crown, the Run for the Roses, the Kentucky Derby. It's the fastest and yet the longest two minutes ever. People gathered all around in their big hats, drinking their Mint Juleps, throwing money around like it's nothing, filled with excitement.  Screaming and yelling as two horses break from the crowd. Only one can win. Only one can wear the garland of roses.

            Excitement. That's what horse racing is all about. That's what drags people in.  Since 1919, only eleven horses have been able to snatch the Triple Crown. Three races. Three states. In just five weeks. Five weeks of pure exhilaration, nerves, and intense preparation. These race horses are unlike any other kind of animal. They have fire inside them. They are born to run. They feel the thrill that races through the hearts, just like the thousand of onlookers. They laugh in the face of danger.

            It doesn’t matter what race day it is. It could be Derby day, the Preakness, the Belmont, the Breeder’s Cup, Aqueduct, or Saratoga, thousands of people put up thousands of dollars on the horse they believe will win. The riskier crowd may play a trifecta or superfecta, hoping to win millions.  No matter what amount of money or what kind of bet these people make, there’s one thing that invites them to do so, excitement. Owners and trainers don’t buy breeding shares just because they can. They become wrapped up in the excitement surrounding the horse, surrounding the race. A smart bettor looks for two things - speed and stamina, the inexplicable gift that only few horses obtain. It’s this magical combination that makes it possible for a horse to win the Triple Crown.  Fifteen horses have won both the Derby and the Preakness with their speed but lacked the stamina to win the Belmont, the longest of the three races at twelve furlongs, or a mile and a half. Time and time again, many favored horses have fallen even in the first race. In the 2009 Kentucky Derby, Pioneer of the Nile was the favored horse with odds of four to one. But, with Calvin Borel on his back, Mine that Bird, a horse with odds of thirty to one, zoomed by Pioneer of the Nile on a sloppy track at Churchill Downs to win the Derby by over six lengths, one of the largest margins of victory ever. A myriad of factors play into race day and the performance of the race horse. The different settings, lengths, and climates of the races add to the thrill making anything possible.

            Danger adds excitement to any situation. And elements of danger are present all over horse racing. Sadly, sometimes danger prevails, taking the life of a horse or injuring a jockey. These horses want to win, just like their jockeys. They know how far they can go, yet their will to win can overtake them and their jockey, pushing them to the limit. A horse euthanized after a race, a jockey severely injured. In the 2008 running of the Kentucky Derby, Eight Belles, a filly, ran her heart out, finishing second to Big Brown. She raced so hard that she immediately collapsed after the race and was euthanized for two broken ankles. 1978, Ron Turcotte, a jockey most famous for winning the Triple Crown atop Secretariat in 1973, fell off of his horse, Flag of Leyte Gulf, during the Belmont Stakes, fracturing his spine. He was never able to race again and still today rides in a wheel chair. It’s unfortunate that these things happen, though they don’t happen often. Yet, it’s weird that the possibility of these things adds thrill, like the possibility of being caught when doing something wrong, or the possibility of failing when trying to achieve a goal. It stirs something up inside people. It makes it impossible to turn their eyes away.

            It is with the heart of a champion these horses and jockeys race. Without the ambition and the will to win, a horse could never succeed. There’s a fire in their eyes that burns during each and every race. They are determined, they are excited. They take their nervous energy and throw it into each and every stride. The horse that races with purpose is the horse that is the most exciting to watch. He does not give up, no matter what. That’s what the people yearn to see. People like to see determination and competition.

Five horses competed in the 1973 Belmont Stakes, the “Run for the Carnations,” the final leg of the Triple Crown. Two broke away from the crowd very early on, Sham and Secretariat, who had already snatched the Derby and the Preakness. Sham pushed Secretariat right out of the gate. The two ran at a pace no one thought was possible. Sham began to fade at the six furlong mark, leaving Secretariat to dart ahead quickly. One length.  Three. Three and a half.  Blowing Sham out of the water. “Secretariat is widening now, he is moving like atremendous machine!” Announcer Chic Anderson roared, sending thrills down the viewers’ spines. Secretariat by twelve, fourteen, eighteen, twenty two. He races with the heart of a champion. Twenty six. Twenty eight. The people are wild, in frenzied excitement, yelling, cheering, chanting. Thirty one lengths. A record that no other horse has ever come close to touching. The 1973 Belmont Stakes is one of the most exciting races in history. Secretariat was the definition of an ambitious, determined, and just plain phenomenal horse. Its horses like Secretariat, War Admiral, Seabiscuit, Affirmed, and Bold Ruler that add to the enthusiasm that goes hand in hand with horse racing. That enthusiasm that makes people want to watch.

            The parading of the horses, the singing of “My Old Kentucky Home,” or “Maryland, my Maryland,” the sound of the trumpet, the garland of roses or carnations, the drinks, the food, throwing life savings into the pot of exhilaration, hoping to win millions, the two week long Kentucky Derby Festival, traditions that have been carried on for over a hundred years all construct the hype that is the foundation of thoroughbred horse racing. These are the things that get people excited and enthused and inspired in a way that cannot be explained. Each horse brings a different thing to the table; each jockey capitalizes that horse’s talent. Each audience member pours enthusiasm into the horses’ veins. It’s the trifecta of emotions that brings people from all over the world together in one magical, thrilling sport. Exhilaration, excitement, enthusiasm, that’s what horse racing is all about.

My Life is a Sitcom

      I already know this is going to be more than one post because every day of my life is like a sitcom. I should just write it all down and then become rich and famous. Someday. I'll just start with a few stories right now.
      It was summer time. Last summer, about mid-July, to be exact. I was sitting on my Noni's porch. She was sitting on her rocking chair on the far side. I was in the middle on the swing. We see Grandpa's car pull up. He was just coming home from a long day of golf. He walks up the porch as the dog greets him and sits on the rocking chair on the opposite side of the swing as my Noni. I was there that day because word on the street was that my Noni made pigs in a blanket. It's kind of a big deal. So anyway, Noni decides to announce to Grandpa that she made pigs in a blanket. My Grandpa is old and can't hear too well. The conversation went a little like this:
      "Iacer, I made pigs in a blanket. They're in the kitchen."
      "What?"
      "I made pigs in a blanket. They're in the kitchen."
      "WHAT?"
      "I MADE PIGS IN A BLANKET. THEY'RE IN THE DAMN KITCHEN."
      "You bought the dog a blanket and put yams in the kitchen?"
     Well, I was dying laughing the whole time thinking that someone should be filming this. This needs to be on TV. My life is like Everybody Loves Raymond on crack.
      Just the other day, I was at my Nana's. My Grandpa was so excited that he organized his closet and comes in the kitchen telling me all about it. He probably had his nice dress pants, his painters pants, his golf shirts, his painting shirts, his yard work shirts, his yard work pants, his church outfits, etc. All of this seems normal to me I guess, until I heard him say "I have my window washing shirts in one section." As he said this to me, I nearly died of laughter on the inside. By the way, when I die, that's the way I want to go, laughing.
        I recently drove through the garage door. I know what you're thinking. No I was not "on something." I just had an Erica moment. The door opener in the car wasn't working, so I got out to hit that nifty little button opener thing on the door and forgot to put the car in park and BOOM. Into the door. After this happened, I went and watched the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Marie drives her car through Ray and Debra's house. It was very comforting. And I'm sure that many people have driven through their garage doors seeing as 2 out of 6 in my family have already. So, I would love to comfort people with perhaps an episode of me or my mom driving through the garage door. While I drove through the door, my mom backed out of it in her day. I remember. I was jump roping on the driveway and my mom opened her garage door and got in my dad's car and BOOM. Through the door. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
        There are little things that have happened to me. Silly little things that people say that are just...silly. My grandparents give me a lot of material to work with here. I sat down at my Noni's the other day and she was talking about her neighbor. We'll call her Sally. Sally and my Noni had been friends for years and years and years, until recently. They hadn't talked to each other in six months. Well, I guess Sally stopped by and the conversation between me and my Noni went a little like this:
          "Sally came over last night."
          "Sally? I thought you haven't talked to her in six months?"
          "Yeah, well she got new teeth so she wanted to show me."
          Way too typical old people right there.
          My Uncle Joe is exactly like Les from Hardcore Pawn. He even looks exactly like him. It's a running joke in my family. My Uncle Joe came in to my Noni's once singing "Sexy and I Know It" and asked me who sang that song. So I told him and my Aunt and I proceeded to explain to him what LMFAO stood for. See, F and A are at the top of the list in my Uncle's vocabulary. He told me "I was listening to them this week and I found I got a lot more shit done." Well, then he called every CD or electronics store in town asking them "Do you have LNPKO's Sorry for Party Rocking CD?" like the person on the other end didn't speak English. And he never EVER got the letters of the band right. "Do....you....have...L..K..J...F...E's...Sorry for...Party...Rocking CD?"
           Another running joke in my family is the fact that one of my cousins was recently arrested for stealing shopping carts. My mom and I were sitting on the couch one day watching WNEP and Jon Meyer comes on talking about a man who stole nearly 70 shopping carts. My mom and I were dying laughing. Who the hell would steal shopping carts? and 70 of them? Through the laughter, we heard Jon Meyer say, "Officials arrested Peter Iacavazzi..." We froze completely. The phone rang. The news had spread like wildfire. As much as some of the family is embarrassed and will probably hate me for posting this, I think its hilarious. And when I can make people laugh, I will. The best part of the news package was when Jon Meyer said, "And when the police arrested Iacavazzi, look what they found in his trunk..." and the cops proceeded to pull a stop/do not enter sign out of his truck. I never laughed so hard watching the news before in my life.
          I'm sure I will have many more of these to post in the future. But for now, we'll stick with this. And I credit my Uncle Joe for the name of my new sitcom which you all should watch for : Noni's Porch.


Alleged Shopping Cart Thief Arrested:
http://wnep.com/2012/04/05/alleged-shopping-car-thief-arrested/

Uncle Joe and Les Gold:

Jersey Royalty

      So I was in Jersey over the weekend, Seaside Heights/Tom's River to be exact, and I was walking along the boardwalk when I saw this amazing hat. It was black and in all blinged out letters said "JERSEY ROYALTY." Well, I was in love. The price marked was $30 but I made the guy give it to me for $15. Heaven in a hat. Looking back, I don't know what I was thinking, but I'm glad I purchased it. I have worn it twice since then, besides wearing it immediately after I purchased it.
       I go to a Catholic University in Scranton, PA. I am from PA. Not Jersey, so really, this hat makes no sense. Many of the people at school are from Jersey but most of them are rich artsy fartsy not exactly Snooki type people. Well this hat SCREAMS Snooki-type people. So, when I walked in to Flapjack Fest tonight, I got looks from people you wouldn't believe. Several people who I have never seen before in my life asked me if I was from Jersey. Never fails that every person who asks me is confused when I say no. But their looks said it all. I was a blonde Snooki to them. People are very judgmental. It's just a hat.
        I was walking through the mall and their was a lady sitting on a bench near JCPenney's. She stopped me as I was walking by and asked me what my hat said. I told her, "Jersey Royalty." She said, "Oh, you're from Jersey?" I said, "No." Again with the confused looks. She then proceeded to tell me that she goes to Jersey all the time, Atlantic City, especially. I was telling her that I was going to Atlantic City at the end of the month for Beyonce and it sparked a whole conversation. Just from my hat. She began name EVERY SINGLE casino in Atlantic City and even gave me some advice. "When you start losing on the machines, GET OUT!' I take that to heart.
       Finally, I was in Wal Mart checking out with my friend Lauren. The cashier was already giving me weird looks because of my hat. Again, I'm a blonde Snooki apparently. I went to pay her and fished out about 15 ones, saying, "I'm the queen of one dollar bills." My friend, Lauren, then jokingly called me a stripper. The look on the cashier's face said it all. She honestly thought that is what I did for a living. I believe that if I did not have that hat on, her mind probably wouldn't have even gone there. She would've laughed like Lauren and I did. But noooooo. I'm a stripper because of my Jersey Royalty hat. And then, I started complaining to Lauren about how a guy only left me a $3 dollar tip the other day. The cashier had a look on her face like she just crapped her pants. Lauren noticed this and added in that I was a waitress at a country club and the cashier looked relieved and then started up a whole conversation about how tough a job waitressing is. In the end, my Jersey Royalty hat created my stripper image for that woman.
        I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess it's to tell you not to judge a book by it's cover. Or a girl by her hat.

Straight Up Now Tell Me

It's ironic that for a whole month I had nothing to say but now all of a sudden I can think of quite a few things. I'll start off with this thought. I can really relate to Paula Abdul. People are always accusing her of being drunk or on drugs. No....that's just the way she is. More times than not, people have asked me if I am drunk or "on something." I get that one a lot. No...I am not. That's the just the way I am, apparently. My mind is very random. I can go from one subject to something completely off the wall in seconds. I talk about my dreams and goals in life, which, like my mind, are all very random and then people ask me, my boss included, "Are you on something?" NO I'M JUST LIKE PAULA ABDUL. I don't say that because chances are, these same people that think I am "on something" are the people who accuse her of being "on something." Maybe I just belong in a mental hospital. Ehh, probably not. But, I've always wanted to go in one and see what's in like. In fact, that's one of my life goals. Whatever. Maybe I'm not "normal." But what is normal, really? I like to see myself as the kind of person who knows how to live life. Who else can say they crashed a wedding with an entire 7th grade AAU basketball team? So maybe crazy is the way to go. Paula Abdul seems to be living a pretty decent life. She's super rich and can still dance. I only hope I can be like that when I'm 49 years old. Straight up I'll tell you, I am not on drugs...unless my knee is bothering me, then I've probably taken some ibuprofen.