Whoaaa Nelly! What a Great Idea!

I know I haven't posted in a while. I haven't been inspired. But today, I was inspired. A little maybe. We'll see how this goes...
I come up with these great ideas.
At least, I think they are great ideas.
I want a pet dolphin.
I'm totally against dolphins and captivity and all that jazz and if you're not, go watch The Cove. But anyways, it's a nice dream.
I could buy an ocean and put my pet dolphin Nelly in it. I would play with Nelly and swim with her and we would have a great time. Eventually, I'd have to buy her some dolphin friends but buying an ocean is going to put a dent in my checkbook.
I'd buy a boat so I can take Nelly for a swim like people take their dogs for walks. I'd put her on a leash and I'd sit in the boat and she could just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming swimming swimming. Not too far though because then I'd probably get lost and my boat probably won't be that big because ya know, the whole buying an ocean thing but whatever. And when Nelly pulls on the leash like a dog, I can yell "Whoaaaa Nellyyyy!"
This whole idea came to me as I was driving to Seaside Heights and saw all the boats in the marina before you go over the bridge. And dolphins are my favorite animals so that's my obvious pet choice.
I also like killer whales also known as orcas. My pet killer whale would be like Free Willy. A nice whale. One of my best friends really. I haven't picked a name for my whale yet because I don't want to get too excited if I can't afford him/her, but maybe a name like....Kim Kardashian.
I have a lot of other great ideas, like turning the roads into waterways and making everyone kayak everywhere. We'd all be in mad shape, but it would take a lot longer to get places. I also realize there's a lot of other holes in that idea. I'll work on it.
I can't remember my other great ideas. Maybe they weren't so great. Or maybe I'm like Dory and I can't remember things.
I'm going to start writing every idea down. There must be an app for working out great ideas. If there's not, I'm going to make one. What a great idea.

2 Weeks Left of this No Potato Existence

Ok, so I cheated. I ate French fries on Parade Day. They convinced me it was a holiday and so it didn't count. I also ate potatoes at dinner tonight. But the plan was to have tacos for dinner. Then it snowed and my car's in a ditch and I ended up at Noni's and she was having potatoes for dinner so I ate them.
But other than these two incidents, I have not eaten potatoes. Even if that Sunday rule does exist, I still have not eaten a potato on a Sunday. FOr the full 40 days or whatever, I've tried very hard to go sans potato. Now, I only have two weeks left. I will not eat another potato until Easter, when I will eat all the potatoes in the land...covered in cheese. Probably. Just a guess.

Age is Really Just a Number

    Something major hit me today. So major, I don't know how to deal with it. I realized I'm just a really old person trapped in a 20 year old's body. I'm babysitting for my little cousin, like I do every Thursday. I put her down for her nap and switched the channel from Sesame Street to The Bold and the Beautiful. I've turned into my grandmother. I went from spending my days sleeping till noon and going out with my friends all the time to waking up early and watching soap operas and reading Danielle Steele books. (Which, by the way, if you haven't read Johnny Angel, you're missing out. It's my favorite book) There was no middle ground. It just went from high school to old. I haven't hit retirement home stage yet, although I'm looking forward to it.

    I can tell you exactly what's going on in the CBS soaps. (they should bring back As the World Turns. just a side note) I could tell you who in the world Brooke is married to today and how everyone's lives have changed after SPOILER ALERT: Stephanie's death. I play Slot games. I am addicted to Bingo. Too addicted. It's scary. The Vegas Bingo app kills me. I sit there and play it all day. I should just start crocheting too. I'm surprised I haven't learned yet. I haven't gotten into the Alfred Dunner clothing yet.

    When I was little, I used to go to my Noni's everyday. Everyday I'd eat my cereal and watch TV with Noni. At lunch, I always had peanut butter and jelly and we'd watch the Price is Right and the local news. Then it was nap time. I'd take a nap and Noni would watch her "stories." She never changed the channel at all. It was always on CBS. We'd watch Montel and MASH. Now, when I go visit Noni, it's pretty much the same. I stop by in between glasses and eat my sandwich and watch The Young and the Restless and the Bold and the Beautiful. Sometimes, I do actually take a nap during them. We watch Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown. On the weekends, she watches the Game Show Network. There's nothing else on TV, ya know. Granda is either working or sitting in his chair watching Dreamgirls. Dreamgirls is one of my favorite movies. Guess what? It's his favorite movie, too.

     Even if I escape this routine and do something else, it's still the same. I just switch to CNN and see what's happening in the world. I watch Hardball with Chris Matthews. I think, "hey, young people watch this stuff." Young people don't even know who Chris Matthews is. I go to my Nana's and what are they watching? Hardball with Chris Matthews. She and Grandpa watch it for completely different reasons, but it still applies. I sit there with them and Grandpa will talk about the fiscal cliff or what is it now? The sequester. Nana sits there and says, "That's a really nice tie he has on today. Jack, I'm gonna look for one like that for you."

     What's even better is that most of the time I enjoy conversations with my grandparents more than anyone else. They don't complain about stupid crap. They don't tell me pointless stories about how some person they're "in to" doesn't like them back. They don't talk about silly drama that they create themselves. WHO CARES? I don't. So I go to talk to my grandparents about ice cream, the news, our family, pasta sauce, family history, Parade Day, the On Demand feature on the television, suitcases, what Michelle Obama is wearing, Chris Matthews, Chinese food, Hillary's hair, Hillary's job, Hillary's pantsuits, Hillary's life, movies, basketball, Sharon Osbourne, good television, Walmart, and many other interesting and important things.

     This has become my own life. And I don't care. Life is great. Age is just a number. I feel like I'm at an advantage. I have the mind of an old folk, and the body of a 20 year old. DING DING. I win. On slotomania just now but also in real life. I am an old person. Or, as my twitter friend Sunny tells me, "You're an old soul in a young body."

I Love....Feet?

      There's a lot of things I don't understand. I don't understand gnats and why they have to exist. I don't understand when someone says "I don't watch a lot of TV." I don't understand why a bottle of water at the movie theaters has to cost $498,324,093,498. But what I really don't understand are a lot of people's career paths. Doesn't everyone want to have a glamorous job and be super rich and famous? That's the only way of life that makes any kind of sense to me. Don't they want to do something they love? I don't understand a love of math. or science. or cleaning teeth. I guess I can understand a passion for shaping the minds of today's youth aka teaching. I can understand having a passion for interior design or architecture. But a passion for....accounting? No offense to my father on that one. I can't picture my life as an average Joe-lene. (that's the female version of average Joe i just made up) I love television. So I want to be a part of television. Some people love...surgery? What? You love feet? I don't understand. Who loves feet so much that they want to be a foot doctor? Don't even get me started on proctologists. Although honestly, when I think of proctologists, I just hear Kramer in my head saying, "Cosmo Kramer, the Assman." Everything goes back to television. Television is so wonderful. Why doesn't everyone want to be on television? I'm glad that not everyone does because then it makes it a little easier and less competitive, but that doesn't mean I understand it. I'm glad people want to do these other jobs that I want no part of. That's fabulous. But what inspires them to do so?
      I watched ER with my mom all the time and thought I wanted to be a nurse. I watch Law & Order and I think I want to be a detective. I watch The Good Wife and I think I could be a lawyer. Heck, I watch Sons of Anarchy and think I want to be the Queen of a  motorcycle club. Maybe other people think like that too. I think I am lucky. I've realized, I don't actually want to be those things. I just want to pretend to be one of them on TV. Maybe all these doctors and nurses and dentists and detectives and lawyers and people involved in MCs just never realized that in real life those jobs are not as fun as they look on TV. And now, they're stuck being doctors and nurses and dentists and detectives and lawyers and members of an MC. Or maybe they actually wanted to be doctors or nurses or dentists or detectives or members of an MC. Who really knows? Not me. Maybe I'm just an anti-dentite.

POTATO UPDATE

I ate a potato. Not like an apple. I had some potato soup. And a french fry. (again, is the "French" in "french fry" supposed to be capitalized?) I was at work yesterday and the soup of the day was loaded potato. What a tease. But then I remembered my Aunt Janet saying that Sundays during Lent don't count. I'm not sure if that's a real rule or just a rule she made up, but I took advantage of it. So it's possible that my recent potato intake doesn't count. Now, this weekend is Parade Day and I always go to Kelly's on Parade Day. Last time I went to Kelly's, I resisted the urge to eat any potatoes so I'm confident this time. But then the following week is St. Paddy's Day and if my mom makes those cheesy potatoes, I might die. Although, I believe St. Paddy's Day falls on a Sunday this year so that might not count. My mother did make her garlic mashed potatoes one night and I did not eat any of them. If there's any leftover, I'm usually the only one who eats them and every day I opened the fridge and there they were, starring right at me. But I didn't eat them. Now I feel bad because no one ate them and they had to go in the garbage. I just shed a tear writing that sentence. It's such a shame. I can't even think about it. My poor potatoes being tossed out. This is too much for me. I just love potatoes.

Day 5 Sans the Potato

5 days without potatoes.
I almost broke it on Saturday. I was at Kelly's and I almost ordered french fries. I just totally forgot it was potatoes. and then i went to replace it with potato pancakes but i could only say "potato pan" before i realized....that's a potato.
My mom has been working with me. Instead of making potatoes, she makes noodles or rice. It's really fantastic. If she had made mashed potatoes, I would probably definitely cave. Yet, I've been surprised by my will power over the potato. We had some friends in from Maryland visiting over the weekend, so of course, we went out to eat a few times. We went to Coney Island. When everyone else is sitting around enjoying their French fries, I was struggling, trying to look away, trying not to think about the beautiful french fry covered in cheese. I didn't eat any. I couldn't believe it. Will power.
I went in to Mamma Mia's in Clarks Summit on Friday to pick up a pizza. They never sample things in there, but on this day, they were sampling a different kind of pizza. POTATO PIZZA. Such torture. I couldn't believe it. It was cheesy mashed potatoes on a pizza. How genius. But I resisted.
I apologize to my family if my mom keeps up the whole no cooking potatoes thing. Now I've dragged you into this sorta kinda cuz you all still were able to eat French fries at Coney Island and Kelly's the other day. By the way, is the "French" in french fry supposed to be capitalized? I'm not sure. Oh well.
Time to keep not eating potatoes.

The Fine China is Reserved for Oprah's Visit

We recently upgraded our cable package. 80 more channels plus HBO and a DVR (I know, we're a little behind). It's fantastic. And now, I'm extremely happy because Oprah has come back into my life through the OWN network. It's really fantastic to hear Oprah's voice in my living room again. It's soothing.
In the last few days, I've watching a lot of Oprah's Next Chapter from Beyonce to Cissy Houston to LL Cool J and Drew Barrymore and David Letterman. This afternoon, I watched one with Lady Gaga.
I am fascinated by Lady Gaga. She is sometimes so bizarre I just have to wonder where in the world her mind is. Sometimes, I just don't get her and it annoys the crap out of me. I just can't figure her out. This Oprah interview caught my eye. Maybe I could get an inside look as to what actually goes through Lady Gaga's mind. I did get a little glimpse into that. But it also got me thinking about other things.
Oprah came to Lady Gaga's house for this interview. I can't even imagine Oprah coming to my house. The cleaning spree it would send my mom on...it scares me just to think about it. She goes nuts cleaning before the plumber comes to the house. I can't even imagine Oprah. And then, Lady Gaga made Oprah tea. I feel like there is so much pressure there. It's like making tea for the Queen of England. Tea is her thing. It has to be absolutely positively 100 percent perfect. I don't really know if tea is Oprah's thing, but I would want to be as perfect as Queen Elizabeth's tea. They get to talking about Lady Gaga's mom's fine china, which Gaga has said she's never seen before! But of course, you have to break out the fine china for Oprah. If Oprah came to my house, I would use the fine china too. I hope it's fine enough. Oprah is at my house for Pete's sake. (who is Pete?) If Oprah came over, what would I even wear? Gaga had to get her nails done beforehand and then she said she had to pick out a nice suit. I would definitely get my nails done, but what color screams Oprah? Red? Purple? Blue? Pink? I DON'T KNOW. So much pressure! Also, where would we sit? On the couch? Maybe Oprah doesn't do couches after the whole Tom Cruise thing. At the dining room table? At the kitchen table? Gaga looked like they were at the dining room table. Do I serve snacks? What snacks are Oprah-worthy? Do you think Oprah likes taco dip? Is that not suitable to serve to Oprah? Maybe no chips and dip, maybe just fruit. But then again, what if Oprah is expecting chips and dip and not fruit? Serve both? Too much food? WHAT! This is all so confusing.
This is making my head hurt. Hopefully, I have a few years to think about these things and prepare for the day Oprah comes to visit. But, I better start now. You can never be too early for Oprah.