There's an epidemic in this country. And I don't need WebMD to diagnose it.
It's so bad.
Terribly bad.
Awful.
There's an epidemic of bad television show names.
It started with The Talk. I thought that was silly. The Talk? How creative. They should've just went all out and named it The Talk Show. Or CBS's Version of The View.
Now, I actually enjoy the talk. Sheryl Underwood cracks me up. But, you need a new name.
This "virus" must have caught on. There is a show on now in the middle of the day called The Chew. Ew. What kind of a name is that? Chew? Yeah, sure, I chew my food but that's such a weird word. Chew. Chew. Keep saying it to yourself. It's a weird word. What do you picture when you think of the word chew? Yeah, a mouth with a bunch of food in it. Ew. Again, I like the show. They have some good recipes on there. Not that I ever cook or anything. They have great recipes that I pass on to my mom.
Just when I thought it could end there, I see previews for a show called The Taste. It's like American Idol for chefs. Judges taste aspiring cooks' food. How creative to name the show, The Taste. I can't even believe it. It's genius. How in the world did they come up with such a great name? Gee, I don't know.
I thought it would end there. I wish it would've ended there because today I was sitting on my Noni's couch watching the local news when a preview for a new show came on where contestants compete for a job. And guess what it's called? Oh man, how did you know? It's called The Job. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
When will this end?
I'm very worried for the television industry right now.
If they can't even think of names for shows, how in the world can they even write or create a good show?
Oooo, wait, here's a preview of the fall TV lineup: Mondays: The Sitcom. Tuesdays: The Drama. Wednesdays: The Cop Show. Thursdays: The Singing Competition. (As if we don't have enough of those) Fridays: The Reality.
When are we going to get creative again? Just a tad bit more creative. Please. Even as creative as Wings, which isn't terribly creative, but at least it wasn't called The Airline.
I have a solution.
Put me in the television business. I'm an expert.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
EMERGENCY! WebMD Says I'm Dying
Have you ever tried to diagnose yourself using WebMD? Well I have. I use it all the time. Why? I have no idea, because every time, it scares the living day lights out of me.
I was on today. There is probably nothing at all wrong with me. I just noticed I was very tired today and my throat hurt. Yet, this time, I also decided to include all the symptoms I have all the time. Like, for instance, insomnia or dry eyes. I put in my symptoms thinking, hey, maybe all my problems could be linked. This is what I got : It says I could have inhaled anthrax. I could have the bird flu, the Plague, ricin poisoning, West Nile Virus, acute sinusitis, appendicitis, throat cancer, toxic shock syndrome, fibromyalgia, anorexia, cocaine abuse, dehydration, dementia, vertigo, ectopic pregnancy, "exercise or physical activity" (i don't know, either), mumps, diverticulitis, ovarian cancer, common cold, scarlet fever, schizophrenia, or radiation sickness.
What in the world?
Now I have become unreasonably (hopefully) scared for my life.
I of course click on each problem to see what it's all about. Some of them have giant red boxes underneath the name that say EMERGENCY. Call 911 immediately. It's possibly the scariest thing ever. Even scarier than that haunted house I went through at Dracula's Forest at Halloween.
Every time I visit WebMD, i get results like this. It frightens me. Every time. And I never have any of these serious problems. It's usually nothing.
I often wonder how many people call 911 and tell them that according to WebMD, I have most of the symptoms of Ricin poisoning. Is WebMD becoming a problem, tying up 911 lines? Does anyone else freak out when they go on WebMD like I do? I would imagine people have to freak out. It tells them they have a life-threatening disease. Or...like ricin poisoning, a completely fatal disease. No way of surviving. Sorry.
I don't think I've ever eaten a ricin bean. I don't even know what a ricin bean is. Yet, I am sitting here deathly afraid that I have ricin poisoning.
Why do I continue to put myself through this torture?
I don't know what I'm here writing for, since it's possible I may die of the Plague soon. So I'm going to go live like it's my last day.
Everybody Loves Raymond is on TVLand.
I was on today. There is probably nothing at all wrong with me. I just noticed I was very tired today and my throat hurt. Yet, this time, I also decided to include all the symptoms I have all the time. Like, for instance, insomnia or dry eyes. I put in my symptoms thinking, hey, maybe all my problems could be linked. This is what I got : It says I could have inhaled anthrax. I could have the bird flu, the Plague, ricin poisoning, West Nile Virus, acute sinusitis, appendicitis, throat cancer, toxic shock syndrome, fibromyalgia, anorexia, cocaine abuse, dehydration, dementia, vertigo, ectopic pregnancy, "exercise or physical activity" (i don't know, either), mumps, diverticulitis, ovarian cancer, common cold, scarlet fever, schizophrenia, or radiation sickness.
What in the world?
Now I have become unreasonably (hopefully) scared for my life.
I of course click on each problem to see what it's all about. Some of them have giant red boxes underneath the name that say EMERGENCY. Call 911 immediately. It's possibly the scariest thing ever. Even scarier than that haunted house I went through at Dracula's Forest at Halloween.
Every time I visit WebMD, i get results like this. It frightens me. Every time. And I never have any of these serious problems. It's usually nothing.
I often wonder how many people call 911 and tell them that according to WebMD, I have most of the symptoms of Ricin poisoning. Is WebMD becoming a problem, tying up 911 lines? Does anyone else freak out when they go on WebMD like I do? I would imagine people have to freak out. It tells them they have a life-threatening disease. Or...like ricin poisoning, a completely fatal disease. No way of surviving. Sorry.
I don't think I've ever eaten a ricin bean. I don't even know what a ricin bean is. Yet, I am sitting here deathly afraid that I have ricin poisoning.
Why do I continue to put myself through this torture?
I don't know what I'm here writing for, since it's possible I may die of the Plague soon. So I'm going to go live like it's my last day.
Everybody Loves Raymond is on TVLand.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
18 Million Cracks
I was heartbroken in 2008 when Hillary lost the primary election. Devastated. I had followed her around for months, investing my heart and soul into that campaign. I blamed it mostly on Florida and Michigan. If they had followed the rules, she would've won. We wouldn't be here now, listening to her concession speech.
"I want to say to my supporters: When you hear people saying or think to yourself, If only, or, What if, I say, please, don't go there. Every moment wasted looking back keeps us from moving forward.
Life is too short, time is too precious, and the stakes are too high to dwell on what might have been. We have to work together for what still can be."
She was right. But for me, it was so hard to get over the fact that she had lost.
Just imagine something you invested so much time in that had failed.
But did she really fail?
18 million people voted for Hillary. 18 million.
18 million cracks in that glass ceiling.
Throughout the campaign, I had met her twice. She came to Scranton to be in our St. Patrick's Day Parade. I followed her along the parade route. She was shaking everyone's hands and saying hello, taking pictures. I stuck my hand out. "Hello!" she said, as she shook my hand. I had no words. I couldn't say a thing. Hillary Clinton had just shaken my hand.
One morning, Hillary was making an early visit to Scranton. I dragged my mom down to the Cultural Center for 4 AM. We were third in line. Ryan Lecky came and interviewed us. There was a woman directly behind us from Bosnia who had pictures of Hillary safety pinned all over herself. It was freezing cold. But I just kept thinking, I need to talk to her. I have to say something to her this time.
I was able to stand right in front as she was speaking. And afterwards, she came around, talking to everyone, taking pictures. She got to me and it was very chaotic. But this time, I spoke. She signed my book. I got a nice picture with her and we chatted about relatives up at Lake Winola.
That was one of the best days of my life.
I eventually came around to supporting President Obama. He seems like a cool guy. I feel like I could sit down and talk to him about anything. And I LOVE Michelle. She just seems awesome.
Now, he's entered his second term and Hillary is stepping down as Secretary of State and the rumor mill begins swirling. Will Hillary run in 2016?
I think she's exhausted right now. She needs time off. But these articles are getting me very excited. They are bringing back that feeling I had in the 2008 election. A feeling of hope and excitement.
"To those who are disappointed that we couldn't go all of the way, especially the young people who put so much into this campaign, it would break my heart if, in falling short of my goal, I in any way discouraged any of you from pursuing yours.
Always aim high, work hard and care deeply about what you believe in. And, when you stumble, keep faith. And, when you're knocked down, get right back up and never listen to anyone who says you can't or shouldn't go on.
As we gather here today in this historic, magnificent building, the 50th woman to leave this Earth is orbiting overhead. If we can blast 50 women into space, we will someday launch a woman into the White House."
When Hillary was young, she wanted to be an astronaut. She wrote to NASA and they told her that women can't be astronauts.
I'm hoping we will launch that woman into the White House in the near future. Hillary 2016.
You Gotta Beliebe
I have to explain something major. A major development in my life.
New Year's Eve: 2000....something. This Justin Bieber kid was performing on my television screen....well my aunt's television screen. Anyway, he was like 15 and his song had two words : "baby" and "oh." I instantly laughed at this new teen sensation.
Fast forward a few years. My sister has become a belieber. I constantly make fun of her. How in the world could you be so in love with this kid? I couldn't understand it at that time. He wears overalls to meet the Prime Minister. He waddles because his pants are down around his ankles. He can sing and dance, but I don't see much else in the kid. My dad even makes fun of him, calling him a "woos." She has posters of him all over her wall. I even took her to see him on the Today show. Granted, we could only hear him, but still. She had a sign that said "Don't Stop Beliebing." And I wanted her to be able to see him. I tried to shove my way to the front, but many Beliebers are just crazy. Like....CRAZY. Girls were crying and they couldn't even see him. I cried at my first Bon Jovi concert when Jon first graced the stage...but that's JON BON JOVI. and I could actually see him.
Then, all of a sudden, I had this weird urge to listen to the Biebs. And it hit me. It's real. Bieber Fever. I've seen stories of people who've "caught" it. I laughed at them, like I laughed at everything else that had to do with the Biebs. But now, I don't laugh. It's not a laughing matter. It's real.
I, me, Erica, the ultimate Bieber hater, had become a Belieber. I don't understand it. I'm listening to Bieber now. All around the worldddd, people want to be lovedddd. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?
There's simply no other way to explain it. Bieber fever is real. And I've got it.
New Year's Eve: 2000....something. This Justin Bieber kid was performing on my television screen....well my aunt's television screen. Anyway, he was like 15 and his song had two words : "baby" and "oh." I instantly laughed at this new teen sensation.
Fast forward a few years. My sister has become a belieber. I constantly make fun of her. How in the world could you be so in love with this kid? I couldn't understand it at that time. He wears overalls to meet the Prime Minister. He waddles because his pants are down around his ankles. He can sing and dance, but I don't see much else in the kid. My dad even makes fun of him, calling him a "woos." She has posters of him all over her wall. I even took her to see him on the Today show. Granted, we could only hear him, but still. She had a sign that said "Don't Stop Beliebing." And I wanted her to be able to see him. I tried to shove my way to the front, but many Beliebers are just crazy. Like....CRAZY. Girls were crying and they couldn't even see him. I cried at my first Bon Jovi concert when Jon first graced the stage...but that's JON BON JOVI. and I could actually see him.
Then, all of a sudden, I had this weird urge to listen to the Biebs. And it hit me. It's real. Bieber Fever. I've seen stories of people who've "caught" it. I laughed at them, like I laughed at everything else that had to do with the Biebs. But now, I don't laugh. It's not a laughing matter. It's real.
I, me, Erica, the ultimate Bieber hater, had become a Belieber. I don't understand it. I'm listening to Bieber now. All around the worldddd, people want to be lovedddd. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?
There's simply no other way to explain it. Bieber fever is real. And I've got it.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Sweet Escape
People always find little ways to escape life. Some ways are good, some...not so much. I've been thinking a lot about what i want to do with my life. The only things I can come up with are "Be super rich and famous" and "sit on a beach, shop, watch TV, and eat potatoes." Those are great....but, as much as I hate to say, unrealistic. I hate that word. When people ask me what I'm going to be when I "grow up," I always say "super rich and famous." Which prompts them to respond with my least favorite word besides "guestimate" because that's just a stupid word, "unrealistic."
So then I sit around and I think that there has to be a way to become rich and famous. I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT besides luck. Luck seems to be on my side, sometimes. But my life depends on this whole being super rich and famous idea and I can't just rely on luck. I have to make my own luck. That's what all those rich CEO's say, right? Anyway, as you can see, I become stressed and annoyed and THAT is when I head to my escape route: television.
I know I've written about TV before and how much I just love it. But I feel the need to write about it again because it's just so fabulous. I turn on the TV and all those problems disappear. I become engrossed in other people's problems instead. I analyze their lives. When LOST was on, I watched religiously. And in between episodes each week, all I would think about was LOST and what could possibly happen next. Sons of Anarchy has become my new LOST. It's my one hour escape from life. And then when the episode ends, I try to predict what could happen next and try to figure out the character's back stories and how they ended up where they are and why they are who they are. It's so much more fun to me than paying attention in class.
Law and Order SVU Tuesdays: best day of the week, easily. This semester, of course, I have classes 9-9 on Tuesdays. It ruins my week.
Wednesdays I watch the Middle. I like trying to relate my family to the Hecks. And Axl is just hilarious. Kinda like me.
I'm a big 30 Rock fan and I'm sad it's coming to an end. On Thursdays, that is my escape. I transform myself in Liz Lemon, which isn't very hard, and I am a part of the show.
And every night I watch Everybody Loves Raymond on TV Land. My favorite show ever. And I am a mix of every character. It's too perfect...and hilarious.
That's what I like. Putting myself in television. Relating it to my life. It's easy. It's fun. It's what I like to do. Now I know there's someone out there who's said something like "Find what you love to do and figure out a way to get paid for it." So that's the goal. Goal set. Now what?
This is what I want to do in my life:
live somewhere warm
be super rich and famous
meet Oprah
eat potatoes
If there is job that requires all four, I am available. VERY available.
Ok, no more stressing about where my life is going to go. Time to escape. I'm just going to go watch The Golden Girls and pretend I'm Rose Nylund, which isn't that far of a stretch.
So then I sit around and I think that there has to be a way to become rich and famous. I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT besides luck. Luck seems to be on my side, sometimes. But my life depends on this whole being super rich and famous idea and I can't just rely on luck. I have to make my own luck. That's what all those rich CEO's say, right? Anyway, as you can see, I become stressed and annoyed and THAT is when I head to my escape route: television.
I know I've written about TV before and how much I just love it. But I feel the need to write about it again because it's just so fabulous. I turn on the TV and all those problems disappear. I become engrossed in other people's problems instead. I analyze their lives. When LOST was on, I watched religiously. And in between episodes each week, all I would think about was LOST and what could possibly happen next. Sons of Anarchy has become my new LOST. It's my one hour escape from life. And then when the episode ends, I try to predict what could happen next and try to figure out the character's back stories and how they ended up where they are and why they are who they are. It's so much more fun to me than paying attention in class.
Law and Order SVU Tuesdays: best day of the week, easily. This semester, of course, I have classes 9-9 on Tuesdays. It ruins my week.
Wednesdays I watch the Middle. I like trying to relate my family to the Hecks. And Axl is just hilarious. Kinda like me.
I'm a big 30 Rock fan and I'm sad it's coming to an end. On Thursdays, that is my escape. I transform myself in Liz Lemon, which isn't very hard, and I am a part of the show.
And every night I watch Everybody Loves Raymond on TV Land. My favorite show ever. And I am a mix of every character. It's too perfect...and hilarious.
That's what I like. Putting myself in television. Relating it to my life. It's easy. It's fun. It's what I like to do. Now I know there's someone out there who's said something like "Find what you love to do and figure out a way to get paid for it." So that's the goal. Goal set. Now what?
This is what I want to do in my life:
live somewhere warm
be super rich and famous
meet Oprah
eat potatoes
If there is job that requires all four, I am available. VERY available.
Ok, no more stressing about where my life is going to go. Time to escape. I'm just going to go watch The Golden Girls and pretend I'm Rose Nylund, which isn't that far of a stretch.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
All You Can Eat
I am a frequenter of the Chinese buffets in town. I love these Chinese buffets. They don't just have Chinese food. I can mix mac and cheese with orange chicken and some pudding and piece of pizza. But I realized the other day when I joined my Grandpa for lunch at the Chinese buffet that I had been doing the buffet thing all wrong.
Usually when I go to the buffet, I stuff everything I possibly can on one plate and then sit down and eat it. My french fries are covered in soy sauce. The sweet and sour sauce for the sweet and sour chicken is every where but on the chicken. Where is the sense in this? I am at a buffet. I can go back for as many plates as I want. Why should mix it all together, pile everything on top of each other?
My Grandpa is what I refer to as a "Professional Buffet Eater." A term I didn't know should have existed until I joined him at the buffet. He begins with his fish plate. Mainly shrimp. Then he moves to fruit. Then his main course, which consisted of stuffed clams and mushrooms among other things. He had never known about the Hibachi part, so my cousin introduced him to that and he added spicy chicken, shrimp, steak, and noodles to his entree. Then he moved on to his usual dessert of pudding and jello squares. What a genius. Why have I never thought to do that? THAT is how you work the buffet. You would think that through all my buffet experience, I would have picked this up by now. It seems like common sense.
A buffet is a place to sample things. It's all you can eat. And you can have an unlimited amount of plates. So try every ice cream flavor without mixing them all together. And eat non-soy-sauce soaked fried zucchini. Try your Chinese donut without sweet and sour sauce and cheese and rice all over it. Transform yourself from an amateur buffet go-er to a professional, like my grandfather. The ultimate buffet pro.
Usually when I go to the buffet, I stuff everything I possibly can on one plate and then sit down and eat it. My french fries are covered in soy sauce. The sweet and sour sauce for the sweet and sour chicken is every where but on the chicken. Where is the sense in this? I am at a buffet. I can go back for as many plates as I want. Why should mix it all together, pile everything on top of each other?
My Grandpa is what I refer to as a "Professional Buffet Eater." A term I didn't know should have existed until I joined him at the buffet. He begins with his fish plate. Mainly shrimp. Then he moves to fruit. Then his main course, which consisted of stuffed clams and mushrooms among other things. He had never known about the Hibachi part, so my cousin introduced him to that and he added spicy chicken, shrimp, steak, and noodles to his entree. Then he moved on to his usual dessert of pudding and jello squares. What a genius. Why have I never thought to do that? THAT is how you work the buffet. You would think that through all my buffet experience, I would have picked this up by now. It seems like common sense.
A buffet is a place to sample things. It's all you can eat. And you can have an unlimited amount of plates. So try every ice cream flavor without mixing them all together. And eat non-soy-sauce soaked fried zucchini. Try your Chinese donut without sweet and sour sauce and cheese and rice all over it. Transform yourself from an amateur buffet go-er to a professional, like my grandfather. The ultimate buffet pro.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
I've Never Injured Myself Using A Cotton Swab
I just saw a commercial for this product called the "Wax Vac" or something of that nature. It cleans your ears. The commercials starts by talking about how using cotton swabs to clean your ears is "dangerous" and whatever. Then, they proceed to show a man cleaning his ear with a Q tip and then screaming "OUCH!" Now, I don't know about any of you, but I've never injured myself using a cotton swab. And at this....I laughed. I laughed way harder than anyone should while watching a commercial not meant to be funny. A serious commercial that is trying to sell you something.
I've seen plenty of these types of commercials. They're hilarious. Doesn't the maker of the product realize how ridiculous the commercials make the product look?
I saw another one just before the Wax Vac in which people are complaining that when they sit down for long periods of time, their "back and bottom" hurt. So...what is the commercial's answer to this problem? This little foam pillow with gel in the middle or something. It's called Forever Comfy. You just put it on the seat and VOILA! No pain. Now, I see how this thing can solve that awful pain on your butt, but your back? Not making much sense to me. Then there's this older guy who is sitting at his computer in major pain from sitting too long. Then he gets the pillow thing and he is just super happy and typing away and making that "you go girl" gesture at the computer screen. You just have to laugh. There's no other way. I guess you could also yell at the TV, "If your butt really hurts from sitting for hours, why don't you get up off your lazy bum for a little while?" There, problem solved.
All of these great commercials....from the Sauna Pants to the Snuggie commercials where everyone is wearing snuggies literally every where and they are all dancing in them....are just great entertainment for people like me. They provide good laughs and great conversation. I don't know if that's what the sellers have intended. If so, they're doing a fabulous job.
One of my favorite commercials, which I actually haven't seen in a while, is the Hover Round commercial. Now I can go go go in my Hover Round. Indoors, outdoors, all over town! And there's just old people everywhere riding their Hover Round, enjoying life. There are choregraphed Hover Round dances, with everyone in circles riding around. And what makes it even better is that the man who invented the Hover Round appears in the commercials and his name is Tom Kruse. This commercial is just GOLD. Old people riding their Hover Rounds in the woods, in the mall, by fountains, in the old folk's homes. Everyone every where in this ad has a hover round. In the woods, in the mall, by the fountains, in the old folk's homes, everyone has a Hover Round and a smile. AND it comes with an in home test certification....whatever that means.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go put on my Trendy Top and Cami Secret because regular camis are just too annoying and make the perfect Tortilla for dinner, use my Hot Buns to get the perfect bun....or curly hair, take some money out of my Fanny Bank, and go to Boscov's and buy a purse organizer in every color and some Pajama Jeans. Because...who wouldn't want Jeans made out of sweatpants?
I've seen plenty of these types of commercials. They're hilarious. Doesn't the maker of the product realize how ridiculous the commercials make the product look?
I saw another one just before the Wax Vac in which people are complaining that when they sit down for long periods of time, their "back and bottom" hurt. So...what is the commercial's answer to this problem? This little foam pillow with gel in the middle or something. It's called Forever Comfy. You just put it on the seat and VOILA! No pain. Now, I see how this thing can solve that awful pain on your butt, but your back? Not making much sense to me. Then there's this older guy who is sitting at his computer in major pain from sitting too long. Then he gets the pillow thing and he is just super happy and typing away and making that "you go girl" gesture at the computer screen. You just have to laugh. There's no other way. I guess you could also yell at the TV, "If your butt really hurts from sitting for hours, why don't you get up off your lazy bum for a little while?" There, problem solved.
All of these great commercials....from the Sauna Pants to the Snuggie commercials where everyone is wearing snuggies literally every where and they are all dancing in them....are just great entertainment for people like me. They provide good laughs and great conversation. I don't know if that's what the sellers have intended. If so, they're doing a fabulous job.
One of my favorite commercials, which I actually haven't seen in a while, is the Hover Round commercial. Now I can go go go in my Hover Round. Indoors, outdoors, all over town! And there's just old people everywhere riding their Hover Round, enjoying life. There are choregraphed Hover Round dances, with everyone in circles riding around. And what makes it even better is that the man who invented the Hover Round appears in the commercials and his name is Tom Kruse. This commercial is just GOLD. Old people riding their Hover Rounds in the woods, in the mall, by fountains, in the old folk's homes. Everyone every where in this ad has a hover round. In the woods, in the mall, by the fountains, in the old folk's homes, everyone has a Hover Round and a smile. AND it comes with an in home test certification....whatever that means.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go put on my Trendy Top and Cami Secret because regular camis are just too annoying and make the perfect Tortilla for dinner, use my Hot Buns to get the perfect bun....or curly hair, take some money out of my Fanny Bank, and go to Boscov's and buy a purse organizer in every color and some Pajama Jeans. Because...who wouldn't want Jeans made out of sweatpants?
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